June 1, 2004
Only the Bad Survive
That is the motto of this show, and I was just too curious and desperate for any form of reality TV during the present drought to pass it up. So, just for the hell of it, I tuned into "WB's Superstar USA." At first, I was certain that I would not last too long. The auditions were horrendous, the so-called artists were clueless to their lack of talent, but I learned something new: I never ever realized that so many people are completely tone-deaf. Is this becoming a national epidemic? Do we need fundraisers for a new charity which I personally volunteer to co-chair so that I can draw a big fat salary?
Anyway, as I was having these random thoughts, I started taking a second look at this show. Sure, it was an American Idol rip-off, but better than that, it was actually a complete send-up of American Idol. The next thing I noticed was that the judges were a hell of a lot funnier in a marvelously dry subtle way. I was ready to forget all about Randy, Paula and Simon. They consist of: Vitamin C, Tone Loc and Chris Briggs introducing us to a whole different way of judging. I guess that these three people didn't make the cut for "The Surreal Life," but they would have been great. Due to the nature of the show, they can't possibly be "Simon Cowell honest" so Briggs makes pronouncements like, "That was ridiculous, ridiculously amazing" as the Superstar wannabe stands there with mouth agape. Tone and C are not as demeaning but they cover their true feelings well and are almost kind to the dreadful sounding performers. Tone judges one presentation as "all that plus a bag of chips" while Briggs tells another singer, "You have all the star power of Tom Cruise only without all that Scientology crap."
The original twelve that were selected have now been reduced to eight. Four of the "better" contestants were eliminated if you can believe that. None of them were very good to begin with, but they had one thing going for them-they were legends in their own minds.
Whose brainchild is this you wonder? Would you believe Mike Fleiss, the creator of such sensational hits like "The Bachelor," mediocre fun shows like "High School Reunion" and the extremely tasteless "Are You Hot?" That's the guy to blame. When Vitamin C said that two of the best attributes one can possess are good skin and fearlessness, I believe she was thinking of Mike Fleiss at that very moment. Well, actually, I'm not his dermatologist or anything so I'll go for the fearless part. Let's just say that Mike is the poor man's Mark Burnett.
The Contestants
I don't want to knock anyone who has big dreams and aspirations of making it in Hollywood (which is a euphemism for many rejections and humiliations). However, even though I can sing on key and tell a joke or two, I would never delude myself into thinking that I can get up there and perform so that millions of people will fall in love with me and my talent simultaneously. These contestants lack that introspection. Their self-esteem has blinded them to their shortcomings.
What is this craze that has hit America and maybe the rest of the free world? When there are auditions for any show they line up by the thousands to gain either 15 minutes of fame or in this case to find out that they have been fooled by everyone and were only selected because they were considered so bad that the entertainment value for the audience was priceless. It was certainly better than watching "America's Worst Videos" or "Cops."
Jamie is a fairly pretty young lady with big knockers which are constantly referred to by the judges in less than subtle double entendres. She can't sing worth a damn, but she's convinced that she can out-Britney Britney. She sings "Fallin'" with the lyrics written on her left palm.
Omar is completely tone deaf but perceives himself to be a good singer. During his makeover, he is sure of one thing, he does not want to look like a pimp and the red pin-striped suit doesn't even button. I'm with him all the way, until he begins to sing Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love Of All" which I don't recognize for a second. The only thing that gave it away are the words.
Then there is that chick magnet, Mario, who is convinced he is cool, but intends to ignore his rabid female fans because he is engaged, sings "The Heat is On."
Rosa will do anything to be on "TB" including singing songs that have no roots in any language that I've ever heard except that she claims the song to be "Borderline." But it's much less than that. She is convinced that she's got the talent and the looks. Go Rosa!
Tamara is egged on to be a diva by the judges. Her voice is thin, her performance is so devastatingly bad that Toni Braxton must be crying bitter tears at hearing her song, "Unbreak My Heart" being brutally murdered.
John Michael, who doesn't really sing as much as yell a song has chosen "Born to Be Wild" to really wow the judges. He is told to be less subtle and agrees apparently not feeling his leg being pulled.
Jo-Jo's strange singing style defies description. He offers, "A Bad Case of Loving You." After his makeover, he is sporting platinum hair which adds to my feeling that he is from another planet.
Frank tries to sing Beyonce's "Survivor" and definitely nails it-into a coffin.
Nina Diva is a different kettle of fish. She's a triple threat, she does high karate kicks, belts out her songs and ummmm, I can't think of the third one, but I know it's there somewhere. Oh yeah, she could pass for a hooker in Miami. Her eyeball popping wardrobe and choice of song, Sting's "Roxanne" definitely helps promote that image.
Then there is Ross who is trans-gender and has a very high voice, and not a good one as he renders something called "Rhythm Divine" which even Enrique Iglesias can do better. He has his locks shorn in Hollywood but after the cut, he gets cut from the show.
I have left The Anglo Assassin for next to last because as a white rapper, he has made Tone Loc forget every white rapper who went before him, including Vanilla Ice.
Emily is probably the most talented or least untalented, and sings a strange rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart" but seems to be on key. She pays the price-she is eliminated, as are The Anglo Assassin, Ross, and Frank. They are astounded. They should be grateful for being spared at least some of the humiliation that awaits the others. If I left anybody out, it doesn't really matter too much. I'm sure you get the picture.
The Host
Brian McFayden, who has since tamed his renegade eyebrow when he was hosting "Cupid," a Simon Cowell production that didn't really make it in the ratings department, is "Ryan Seacrest reborn" right down to his exit line, "McFayden gone" kinda like "Seacrest out," get it? I cannot believe that one of the executive producers is Mike Nichols. Mike Nichols? How many are there? I only ever heard of one and that he would lend his name to this debacle indicates that he must have lost big in Vegas, or on a horse or something. I cannot imagine why he would attach his name to this project.
Anyway, Brian remains neutral throughout the ordeal, pretending that he has no knowledge of the lack of talent until it's time for his announcement of who can stay and who must leave immediately. The hoax of course is that the truly untalented ones get to stay, and we get to laugh another day.
The Ultimate Showdown
I don't know who is to blame for this. Maybe William Hung, who is enjoying great success at the moment, should shoulder some of the responsibility, and the rest of the blame can be placed squarely on the producers who came up with this semi-sadistic show. How about "The Joe Schmo Show" while we're at it?
You see, none of the contestants have any idea that they will be told at the end that it is all one big con. There will be no great future in Hollywood, no recording contract, no star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I do hope that there is a shrink on the set, at least, because some form of therapy will be required.
It just proves once again, that people will do anything, yes anything, to get noticed. Whether they've been encouraged by others, or have convinced themselves that they should share their gifts with the world is not the issue. It's a four letter word that everyone clamors for - FAME! Someone once said, "you can say anything you want to about me, as long as you spell my name right" or something like that. That is what this seems to be all about.
The enticing voiceover that will keep me coming back asks, "Who will overcome the pressure and deliver another terrible performance?"
There is a silver lining here. The winner will receive a prize of $100,000 and hopefully some singing lessons.
CaliGirl loves the Ocean, granola and winemaking. When not busy with that, writing is her biggest thrill, well almost. She can be reached at california_girl100@yahoo.com
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