He's A Lady: Episode 1
Dude! You're A Lady
By Randall The Vandal
October 20, 2004
For all you reality TV fans out there, I have some good news for you. TBS premiered their new comedy-reality show last night, He's A Lady. Which means its official: TBS has finally worn out that tape of Crocodile Dundee. Oh well, 7,342 showing in the past three years ain't bad at all.
Eleven super macho men have come to Los Angeles with their wives and girlfriends to compete in a show called The All American Male. Host Tony Frassand meets them one by one. Albert is a youthful 22 year old driving range assistant. You'd think by age twenty two he'd at least be driving range manager by now. Cree is a studly 34 year old entrepreneur. Dan is a finance officer who wants to talk to Cree after the show. David is a 250 pound rehab service manager who wanted to be The Biggest Loser. Sorry, buddy, that title belongs to me and me alone.
Donnell is a fitness trainer who reminds me of that way-too-happy guy who used to jump up and down in those commercials. Michael is a marble fabricator. Every show has to have a bartender, and we have two-Patrick and Nathan. Rick is a tile contractor. Ryan is a professional wrestler, even if his wife appears to be bigger than he is. Maybe he is competing in the Verne Troyer Wrestling Federation. Sam is an investment banker and the second of two blacks on this show. Isn't that some sort of record?
Now with all eleven men seated on the bleachers that look suspiciously like the ones in Saved By The Bell, Mr. Blanding...I mean Mr. Frassand, can't wait to tell them why they are here. But first, he asks the men to leave the stage and go into a soundproof booth. If TBS had shelled out some money for some really big headphones, we could play a game of Tattletales. But Tony Frassand is no Bert Convy, so maybe not. Perhaps Match Game would be better. The writer of this recap is a gigantic piece of blank.
Instead, Tony just reveals what is really going to happen. The men will be taught how to live, dress and act like a woman for the next few weeks. The women find this funny, which is more than I can say about this recap. Out come the men, and one by one Tony lets them in on the secret. They each eventually accept the challenge, and have to bid farewells to the loved ones. And their wives, too. As Tony gathers the eleven, a curtain reveals an army of make over artists just waiting to get their hands on them.
The men begin to get fitted for wigs, get their faces shaved, and get their eyelashes plucked. Just the standard stuff. Which is weird, because that's exactly how I spend the first half of my days off. The fun part was watching the guys scream their guts out when Olga the hair removal specialist began giving them a body wax. I haven't heard screaming like that since they announced there would be a Van Helsing 2. And that was just from the studio executives.
After bandaging their bloody wounds where once there was hair, the men are fitted for dresses, which is weird because that's exactly how I spend the second half of my days off. I really need to work more. After getting dressed, it's time for a little fashion show that only Carson Kressley could love. Only seven of the eleven will actually make the cut, so it's our first elimination. But first, we need top notch judges. Instead, we've got Morgan Fairchild, who is proving that there is life after Old Navy commercials; John Salley, proving for us all that this is the Best Damn Reality Show There Is; and Debbie Matenopoulos, who proves that those Saturday Night Live skits were pretty much dead on.
Each man walks down a short runway so the judges can see them in all their horror. Walking in six inch heels proves difficult for most of them. They really should try the 3-inch Prada pumps. They are so much more comfortable. After each man walks down, Tony shows them what they look like for the first time in the mirror, via The Swan. Ryan does a fake fall on his back to get everyone to laugh. He didn't need to bother. People were laughing at him already. Cree seemed to be enjoying his massive boobs a bit too much. I don't think he's going to need his girlfriend much longer if this keeps up. To say Albert looks like an actual woman would be an understatement. In fact, so complete is his transformation to the female sex that he actually turned down my invitation to go out later that evening. Which is apparently the ultimate sign of being a woman.
Sam and Nathan are next and look more like Matt Stone and Trey Parker at the Oscars a couple of years back. That's not a compliment. Michael then comes out, and is the best looking woman I've seen since Albert. It's been a long night. If it was based on looks, those two would win. But of course, women are never judged on looks alone. David is last to arrive, and reminds me of a Russian weightlifter before a steroid test. But he's such a genuinely nice guy that you end up laughing with him, not at him.
With that, its decision time, and Morgan, John and Debbie put their combined 0 years of fashion and beauty pageant experience together and eliminate four of the men: Nathan, Patrick, Rick and Sam. As they bid farewell, the other seven 'winners' climb into a limo and are driven to their new digs: The Doll House. A pink and purple abode, with apparently no walls that was designed by members of the National Association of Color Blind People. The rules of the game are that inside the house they are allowed to be men, but once outside they must always act like women, or else face elimination. Which means beer and sports once again rule. They begin getting out of their clothes. I never thought the sight of seven people in dresses disrobing and removing their bras would have so little effect on me.
As they return to their male identity, their true personalities begin to come out almost as frequently as their fake boobs. Donnell will be the annoying one. Think Jar Jar Binks without the comedy. David is the nice one. Michael is the highly competitive one. And when not in a dress, Albert looks way too much like Ace Frehley.
As they gather around the pastel table to toast each other, they can't help but wonder what is in store for them. Nor can we.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
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