He's A Lady: Episode 2
No More Moonshine For Sunshine
By Randall The Vandal
October 27, 2004
After a night of tossing and turning and unable to sleep, our favorite seven transvestites gather around their subtle ten foot round table in their pink house to meet and greet the host, Tony Frassand. Realizing his career can only get better from this point on; affable Tony lets the men in on the upcoming day's events. First, they will be getting coached up on how to act, talk, walk and basically impersonate a woman.
Then they will film it, show it on TBS and wait impatiently for a recap to appear on a web site nearly twenty-four hours later. Next week, Tony will be picking my lotto numbers for me. But for now, it's time to watch really ugly men play dress up and try their best to act like women. Which hasn't been done so well since the Spice Girls retired. But I'm dating myself. Of course, somebody needs to.
The first instructor tries to teach the men how to sit like a lady, then to walk like a lady. Then they try to pick something up like a lady, then try and run like a lady. Seven dislocated ankles later, the boys are ready for David, the vocal coach. Before long, he has the guys, most notably David, reaching octaves that only Rosanne has achieved. It sure was nice of TBS to film the first auditions for next years American Idol. After the ear-bleeding has stopped from their high pitched wails, the men get tips from a make-up artist. Unfortunately, Donyell mistakes lip gloss for eye liner, which Dee Snider used to do every day, so hopefully he doesn't feel too badly. The other guys try to make fun of Donyell, but he's not gonna take it. No, he's not gonna take it. He's not gonna take it anymore.
Wigs are the next accessory that no woman will do without, and the men discover what viewers of this show already know. These are some ugly women. Ryan especially seems unattracted to himself, which is always a good thing, so he does what all ugly people should do: drink lots of liquor until you become happy with yourself. Isn't that the ninth step at the Betty Ford Clinic? While Ryan becomes one with his inner Robert Downey Jr, an attractive woman enters. Oh wait, that's still Albert, dressed in drag. That doesn't make me gay, does it? Okay just checking. Seriously, I wish he'd get out of those clothes when he's back in the house. Now THAT might make me gay.
Actually, there is an actual female visitor in the house, and she is a professional shopper. Which I can't believe is an actual career. And I thought recap writer was an embarrassing job title to put on my personal dating service questionnaire. Ryan is still drunk and loving every minute of it as the seven men get dressed in their best outfits to go shopping for even better outfits. They arrive via a limo ride at Melrose Avenue, and are gawked at almost instantly. During their shopping spree they go to a jewelry store and a kitschy clothing store, where Ryan gets to prove just how drunk he truly is. When you take off your dress in the store instead of going into the dressing room, you might be a tad tipsy. Why can't I ever meet women like Ryan? Did I just write that?
Back to the house, the men return from their shopping extravaganza only to find that a gift box on the table. It's really easy to see because it wasn't pink at all, unlike every other item in the house. Inside is an envelope explaining that tomorrow, the men will have to go out on the town and try to fool real people into thinking they are women. Except Albert, who will have to convince people that he is a man. Getting ready for their big coming out party (sorry), the women get all dressed up but not before doing what all women do before big dates: playing touch football on their miniature field in their living room. Even though I think Cree was out of bounds before scoring that go-ahead touchdown.
Another limo ride with our androgynous friends ends with a group of celebrity seekers waiting for them with cameras on the ready. Once they get out, the disappointment on the other people's faces compares only to yours hoping this recap actually gets funny. I have three words for you: Not. Gonna. Happen. What will happen is that host Tony will be asking the people on the streets whom they think is the real woman of the group. The winner will receive a big prize, as well as winning safety from the first elimination. Most of the crowd doesn't believe that any of them are actually women, but Albert seems to be the consensus as being closest to a woman. And that's just from his girlfriend. Ryan, sober and suddenly taking this competition very seriously, is also getting a lot of compliments from women saying he stands and acts like a woman. He also drinks like a longshoreman, but that's beside the point right now.
At Jillians, the women are asked to bowl, and only Michael acts like an athletic woman, while the rest pretend to be more concerned with not breaking a nail. Obviously, they don't have a high regard for all the famous female pro bowlers like...um...uh...Point taken, fellas. David feels extra bad as the night comes to a close, and he predicts that none of the women who voted thought that he was a woman. Suddenly, the one-joke reality show makes an interesting commentary on what it must be like for the women who don't have the big buxom chest or the cover girl face, and David compares himself to the wallflower at the party that nobody notices. Interesting comments from David to say the least.
After a cowboy-up speech from one of his fellow competitors, David joins the rest to find out who convinced the most women that they were actually female. Albert was an easy winner, and will enjoy safety from the elimination. He also wins a Dude Pass, where guys who dress up as women can dress up as guys and do something manly. Also, he gets to pick another guy to come with him. Meanwhile, host Tony explains that afterwards, the men will have to vote for the person they think should go home tomorrow night. The two receiving the most votes will face the music and their fate will be left in the incapable hands of Debbie Matenopoulos, John Salley and Morgan Fairchild.
The next day, Albert selects Dan to join him on his Dude Pass. The two walk out to a waiting Humvee, with skulls and bones decorating it to make sure we understand how manly what they are about to do truly is. They are both happy to discover they will be attending fighter pilots school for a day, which is really manly. The testosterone just won't stop flowing. Except in the pink house that they just left, where the men are getting a nice sex-ed course. Those funny cameramen at TBS keep switching from Albert and Dan as fly boys to the men surrounded in pink trying to stay awake during the lesson. It's kinda like that night I kept switching between Top Gun and Beaches.
After bombing some key military facilities near Iraq, Albert and Dan return with pizzas and lots of cool stories about their adventure, it only delays the big finale. Okay, the semi-big finale. It's time to get back in drag and parade in front of John, Debbie and Morgan. One by one, beginning with the stunning Albert, they receive kudos from the two men and insults from John. I think he's trying to steal my bit.
Ryan, the former drunk who turned his life around in one day, and Michael, who next to Albert is the most realist-looking woman in the room (including Morgan & Debbie), are the two who are not safe. The pair make their cases as to why they shouldn't be eliminated, then Tony announces that Ryan will be going home to his professional wrestler girlfriend. There will be no sunshine in that house. Although, once his girlfriend finds out that he just threw away $250,000 because he got too drunk, there may be a crippler's cross face in his future.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Reality TV Calendar will send you the latest casting calls as soon as they are released. Calls are often short notice with short deadlines. You need to make contact immediately. You can't do that unless you have immediate notification of the call. One Time Payment, Only $7.95.
Click For More Information.
