Joe Schmo 2: Episode 3
Boxes, Sacks and The Crisis
Recap By C.C. McCandless
June 30, 2004
When we last watched Joe Schmo, Ingrid had grown very suspicious about what was going on around her. But undaunted by her skepticism, the producers elected to press on with her intact, thus risking the chance of her corrupting Tim, who seems completely enthralled in the show and oblivious to everything taking place. This is a fortunate break for the show, since the hilarity grows more absurd by the episode. Exhibit number one: tonight's challenge. And it is worth noting that while Joe Schmo is the only completely fake reality show on television, it is still one of the most dramatic and compelling.
But first, there were the concocted story lines, obviously made in an attempt to re-ground the show in some form of authenticity Eleanor announced that she had lost Austin's locket, and she was properly distraught.
It was also revealed that it was Tim's birthday. Finally, Ambrosia increased her bitch quotient a few more degrees while Cammy engaged in a monologue about her boobs, and how they have always affected her life. And yes, each of these things was as random and disjointed as it sounded. The only key point was when Cammy accidentally started to refer to herself in the third person-using her real name.
Sadly, Montecore was not present for a Falcon Twist-he must still be recovering from last week's concussion. But even without his presence, this challenge was a doozy, called "Taste My Treats." Nothing is sacred on Joe Schmo, as proven by the set-up for this gag: each of the contestants pulled random recipes to prepare for Austin and Piper, with the ladies serving their dishes in a fuzzy pink box, while the men offered theirs up in nice, blue sacks. The winner, rigged to be Tim, won an off-grounds, one-on-one date.
And so, with much fanfare, Derek instructed Austin and Piper to be blindfolded and then to "sample your boxes and sacks." The menu items were just what you'd expect in such a challenge, including tossed salad, mixed nuts, and warm cherry pie. "Stick your face right in her box," Derek implored to Austin. "Bury your face right in that box," he stated later. You get the drift. Picture every joke you can about boxes, sacks, nuts, tossed salads and fish tacos, and they used it. T.J. went so far as to guide Piper's head directly toward his sack. "Get a good mouthful!" Derek instructed. How anyone kept a straight face through this is a mystery, and Ralph Garman admitted as much in a brief interview.
Tim's sack was deemed supreme and he headed out for a lengthy private date with Piper, which had her very nervous. They enjoyed themselves at dinner, as Tim was obviously becoming smitten with Piper, dubbing her "rubber duckulous awesome," which sounded like high praise. In the car ride home, things got interesting. To avoid any physical intimacy, Piper had made it clear that her father would be very upset if she was seen kissing on camera. Then, ironically, the power on the camera and its light went out. Under cover of darkness, it was made clear that Tim made his move and went in for the kiss.
Back at the house, nice guy Tim "found" Eleanor's locket, presumably just taking Cammy's since she never wears it. Then he arrived at a surprise birthday party in his honor, arranged by Gerald, with a theme that they should all act like little children. Somehow this translated into everyone spanking Tim, followed by a game of Truth or Dare that resulted in Tim giving Gerald a man-on-man lap dance. They also took time to engage in some innocent face painting, with stalker Bryce writing Piper's name across his forehead, which came across as appropriately creepy. Piper capped the festivities off by singing "Oh Danny Boy" for Tim, and the viewers could practically see the poor guy falling in love with her as the cameras continued to roll.
Cammy took a moment to call Ingrid aside, leading her to the restroom for a private confession. Here, Cammy professed that she was worried about a soft core porn video she made called…wait for it…Porked and Beans. As if this wasn't illogical enough, she paused in mid-story so that the cameraman could replace his battery and continue recording everything.
This all raised Ingrid's guard again. "It just can't be a real day," she stated, unable to buy the utter absurdity of everything that had happened to that point. Here, the show backtracked a little, showing events from the previous episodes and shedding more light on Ingrid's suspicions about them. They even took the chance to poke fun at themselves, as the graphic that usually reads "thinks it's all real" under Ingrid's name wavered to "thinks a little of it's real," "thinks 50% of it is real," or "we're screwed." Finally, her true sentiments were made clear, when she boldly said "I just don't believe it for one second."
The episode capped off with another pearl necklace ceremony, this one by invitation only, meaning that Tim and the guys were not present. Montecore was, though, which is always good. Am I the only one waiting for him to eat Bryce's frog? But the ceremony went on without any falcon-related violence. Derek reminded the ladies that "one of you will be thrown from love's luxury limo into rejection's beat-up old hooptie." The ladies were given a chance to speak, and Ingrid crafted a seemingly heartfelt bit about an angelic Christmas ornament, comparing herself to the angel. Austin then went on to offer pearl necklaces to Eleanor and Cammy. Would Ingrid receive the last one? Are the producers cutting her to save themselves? Then came the three most dreaded words in television:
To be continued…
C.C. McCandless is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. He has a Bachelor’s degree in broadcasting from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication at Arizona State University.
