Joe Schmo 2: Episode 4
New Schmo - No Ho
Recap By C.C. McCandless
July 6, 2004
This week's episode of Joe Schmo picked up in mid-cliffhanger, with the audience expecting that the elaborate ruse would be revealed to Ingrid once and for all in one way or another. Only Ingrid and Ambrosia remained with bare necks during the pearl necklace eviction ceremony as the episode began. Austin selected Ingrid as Ambrosia began to fight back fake tears while Austin addressed her. "I talked to a few of the girls," he told Ambrosia, "and they said you were a (expletive) bitch." He then wished her good luck and returned her pageant tiara before Derek delivered another classic "mistake," calling her "Omarosa." She began throwing a tantrum, saying that the whole show is a joke. Derek confirmed as much for Ingrid as he recited a laundry list of the program's fake subtleties that Ingrid had, in fact, picked up on, including Austin's "chiseled countenance…how could a man this good looking not be an actor?"
Derek also addressed his own "obviously dyed hair…these devilishly uncomfortable false teeth…and (his) over-the-top British accent." Ingrid looked like she wasn't sure whether she should laugh or cry.
Ralph Garman broke character to explain what a challenge it was to fool Ingrid, and then he revealed everything. He finished by making an intriguing offer to her: she could choose to go home right now, or accept a script and become one of the actors, with the added bonus that if she can make it through to the end "without blowing it," she will receive $100,000. Garman popped his bad teeth in again, fell back into his English accent, and gravely inquired "Ingrid, will you accept this script?" After a few agonizing moments, perhaps of creative editing, Ingrid gladly agreed to do it. "This might be the best moment of my life," she said. "I really thought I was going crazy." She told Cammy that she never believed the "Porked and Beans" story for a moment. "I'm not really dumb!" Cammy exclaimed. "But I do have huge boobs." A rack which, no doubt, is as fake as the rest of this show.
The next day, Ingrid sat in on her first production meeting and some of the cast members were unsure about her ability to participate as a thespian. T.J. noted that it is already hard enough for trained improvisational actors to work together under such unique conditions before introducing a novice into the mix. With Tim remaining as the only patsy, another move had to be made. Cue the Montecore music, because it's time for a Falcon Twist! Everyone's favorite mentally-imbalanced bird arrived bearing the news that an additional suitor would be joining the game. Everyone appeared nervous at the prospect of a new, albeit clueless, Jane Schmo being brought in at this point, but this was the route the producers elected to take. And so, enter Amanda. "Thank god she thinks it's all real," read her graphic as she joined the group. Derek explained the dating dynamic and Amanda looked quite pleased at joining the race for Austin's affections. Ingrid had an instant bond with Amanda, as the two had met before at a casting call.
Next up was another brilliant, absurd challenge. The premise was that the original version of the fictional "Last Chance for Love" show had taken place in England, also with Derek as host, where they had engaged in challenges such as "Tally Ho Ho Ho," "Who's in the Loo?" and "Carton of Fags." But undeniably, none of them could hold a candle to Bangers and Mash. Just when you thought nothing would ever rival Taste My Treats, out came a nubile, bikini-clad model, draped in a Union Jack flag, who proceeded to hop into a vat of mashed potatoes. "Now I know what you must be thinking," Derek deadpanned to the players, "why do I have an empty hot dog bun in front of me and why are they pouring mashed potatoes on Tiffany?" Derek went on to explain that hot dogs, aka bangers, would be hidden in the trough containing the model and the potatoes. Each contestant, using only their mouth, had to fish out a buried wiener and place it in someone else's bun, thus eliminating that person. The last suitor with an empty bun would win a spa weekend in Utah, as well as some private time with Austin or Piper.
