Joe Schmo 2: Episode 8
Murder Most Fowl
Recap By Randall The Vandal
August 3, 2004
The regular recap writer for this show is in the process of moving so they asked the most beloved, funny and insightful writer to pick up this show as a recap. But Teri Sue was busy watching the Who Wants To Marry My Dad Finale, so one by one, they asked each of their talented writers to cover the show for him. Finally, after eight rejections, they got down to me and I said yes.
Last week, Tim was evicted from the show when the bachelor was asked to eliminate one of the remaining suitors for the benefit of Piper, the bachelorette. Austin 3:16 says you've just been kicked out on your ass and that's the bottom line, cuz.. Actually, that's not what he said last week, but since RAW just went off, I've got wrestling on the brain.
Tim is doing the mandatory interview after the elimination in a hotel room when Derek interrupts and explains that one of the male suitors has been kicked off the show for a transgression. Has Ricky been smoking marijuana again? No, it's much more serious than that, and Tim is invited back to the show.
The remaining contestants are lounging around when Tim returns, to the delight of all the women, most notably Gerald. Bryce is the only one who is indifferent to this reunion. Soon, Derek walks in, and explains to them why Tim has returned. Someone killed Montecore, the pivotal falcon of the show, and he quickly blames Bryce. Bryce looks guilty from the start, not helped by the fact that he pulls out two ball bearings and begins shuffling them in his hands. Plus, Bryce's defense is thinner than Calista Flockhart's rib cage. Tim instantly turns on Bryce, morphing from mild mannered reality show contestant into Lenny Bruce without the jokes. He is totally disgusted that Bryce would actually go so far as to kill a bird. The rest are just shocked into silence. The way you are right now, reading this recap. Is that snoring I hear?
Bryce goes predictably insane when Derek asks him to leave the premises. I guess he hasn't heard that the Cable Ace Awards have been discontinued. Derek is ready to film the first segment of the day, the Falcon's Twist, sans the Falcon. There will be a double elimination at the next ceremony, with one guy and one girl going home at the same time. Or maybe Gerald will be eliminated and we could kill two birds with one stone. Sorry.
Bound by Love is the game the players are thrust into, inspired by the most famous scene of Demi Moore's career. The women will let their fame and career fall by the waste side, then date a ridiculously younger man in one last feeble effort to become recognizable again. Oh wait, wrong famous scene. They are going to duplicate the famous pottery scene from Ghost. The six are divided into pairs of two, as opposed to pairs of three, handcuffed at the wrist, to see who can create the tallest sculpture. Tim is with Cammy, TJ with the gorgeous Ingrid, and Gerald and Amanda round out the contestants. TJ and Ingrid win, and will be chained nearest Piper and Austin when they take dancing lessons in the main house.
Inside, the six meet their over the top dance instructor, whom Tim insightfully compares to Goldmember. That one was kind of obvious, especially when he asks to paint everyone's yoo-hoo gold. It's his kind of thing, you know. While the other five are having a blast, TJ is having serious stomach pain. He must have been reading this recap. He asks everyone if it's okay if he goes to the bathroom, where he engages in some bathroom warfare. I think he's winning. He and the rest return to the dance floor, but not for long. Like bad Bruce Willis movies, diarrhea usually comes back-to-back, so they all return to the bathroom. TJ needs to get up to his room and change undergarments, and there, Gerald discovers his missing aquasocks in his drawers. Hopefully not the drawers that he just stained. His chest of drawers. There is only one way to settle this dispute. A dance off.
TJ uses his Latino background to put together a very interesting dance for the three women judges, while Gerald goes for Flashdance. He was planning on incorporating some good dance moves from Xanadu. But there weren't any. At the end, two of the three vote Gerald the winner, bringing his record to 8-0 in dance offs. TJ has some long-term potential, granted he has a strong off-season. As part of their deal, TJ will back down voluntarily at the next elimination ceremony...
...Which happens to be right now. But before Piper eliminates one of the guys, Austin 3:16 gets to dump one of the women. I bet it's Miss Debra. Instead, he gives pearl necklaces to Ingrid and Amanda, sending ditzy Cammy home. Next, it's Piper's turn and she lights the flame of love for Tim and TJ. Gerald is unhappy and blows on TJ's wick in front of everybody, confirming everyone's suspicions about him. Derek informs Gerald that their side bet was not binding on the show, and since TJ has decided to not step down, Piper has the final say on who stays and who goes, even offering Gerald some consolation that he will find true love with someone, someday. I won't give the final scene away in case you want to catch it on a repeat airing this week. Just say I was laughing so hard that I almost gave myself a TJ-type moment.
So next week, the two-hour season finale will air, and CC McCandless will be back here to recap it for you. At least, you'd better hope he is.
Next week's finale airs from 9-11 pm, ET/PT on Spike TV.
Click Here for a preview.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
