Joe Schmo 2: Finale
The Funniest Thing On Tv
Recap By Randall The Vandal
August 11, 2004
The best and most original reality show on TV and the world's worst recapper have joined forces once again. Not since the mismatched pair of Ethel Merman and Ernie Borgnine has a team been so ill fitted. Except that time when the Lakers equipment manager forgot to put their uniforms in the rinse cycle. No wonder everyone left. Much like my would-be audience after that incompetent opening.
It's Joe Schmo 2, and we are down to the final four of TJ, Tim, Amanda and the drop dead gorgeous Ingrid. Of course, after coming off two months of watching Rachel over on NBC, Beulah Bondi is looking pretty good these days. The fearsome foursome, sans Father Murphy who was busy at the Hall of Fame ceremonies this week, are quickly joined by the two bachelors of the show, Austin and Piper.
In case you missed it, Piper and Austin will not only be deciding between their two final suitors, but also they will be deciding if they want to re-ignite their four year affair. Also, in case you missed it, CC McCandless has no satellite to get this show, so I'm filling in. Which explains the 18 bad jokes so far in this column. And the 43 that are about to follow. 44 if you count that one.
The world's funniest host, Derek Newcastle, appears at their Melrose Place-like patio table to explain to them that today they will get their last chance to speak to Piper and Austin to plead their case. He also explains to them that Andrew Shue has the worst agent in Hollywood, but we already knew that. The beautiful Ingrid gives Austin her resume. I'd hire her. Have I mentioned that she's really hot yet? Just checking. Then, Tim and Amanda get to talk to their would-be mates. Amanda comes off as fun yet serious, Tim as serious yet fun. I'm coming off as long-winded and boring. Tim's first impression of Piper was that she was really hot. Amanda's first impression of Austin was dead-on. She's really good at mimicry. Now she should try to do Howard Cosell.
Inside the house, Derek tells the last four that outside there are four limos, one with each name on it. Last year on this show, they had to use a Yugo, so the budget has really increased. Piper and Austin will be waiting inside the limo of the person they have chosen. Amanda is first, and Tim is second. After waiting about five minutes, both Piper and Austin surprise our favorite twosome inside their stretch limo. Tim is excited to see Piper, as Amanda is to see Austin. The strobe lights and cow-hide leather interior inside Austin's limo befit an international man of mystery. I just wonder if they are going to shag now, or shag later.
Back to the grounds of the mansion, Derek is back to tell of a new twist. Piper and Austin will meet the Fockers. Or meet the parents. I knew it was some Ben Stiller movie. Unbeknownst to anyone, Tim and Amanda will go in disguise to see what their new loves really say about them. Tim will be playing the part of Cousin Tom, a surfer dude from back east. I had so many Jeff Spicoli jokes lined up for this part, but Tim's brother and best friend made the reference before I could. I never ran into that problem over at For Love Or Money! Of course, I fell asleep through most of that series, so I may have missed something. Amanda has donned a fat suit to play Cousin Amy, which she does with a lisp. She'th soth funneth and belivthable as a fath persoth.
During dinner Austin and Piper ask almost as many personal questions as Ken Starr used to, both unable to recognize their dates in makeup. Soon after, Derek convinces all 8 to join him outside for a spirited game of shuttlecock, played under strict South Kensington rules, which inspires a much more competitive game that the lazy North Kensington rules that I often play under on the weekend with my pals. After she takes a fall, Austin wipes away some dirt from Amanda's face, only to have her face come off in her hand. What's going on here? Is someone playing a trick on him? And when did Michael Jackson learn to play badminton so damn well?
Amanda is exposed as Amanda, Tim is exposed as Tim, and Jacko has been exposed as a pervert. But that's got nothing to do with anything here. We return to the villa, where the foursome is reunited. Here, Derek reveals that Tim and Amanda have been playing with the extra incentive of winning $100,000 if they are picked. Austin and Piper are not happy. And not just because of the obvious Michael Jackson joke from earlier. They are upset about their supposed soul-mates keeping secrets. Later, they confront their mates about why they didn't tell them, and Amanda, in a tent with Austin, and Tim, in a hot tub with Piper, make a rather convincing case that they are here for love not money. That sounds like a pretty good premise for a show, competing for love or money. Maybe not.
Its final elimination time, and Piper and Amanda are dressed as bridesmaids at a Prince wedding. He should have hooked up with Apollonia a long time ago. Tim and Austin are dressed like they are at a Candace Gingrich wedding, so everyone is ready. Then the eliminated suitors from the past shows appear: TJ, Ingrid, Ernie, Ambrosia, Rita, Cammy, Eleanor and Gerald. Amanda recognizes one of the women as a stand up comedienne. Paula Poundstone needs to eat too you know. Like 10,000 calories a day if memory serves. Unfortunately, my memory went AWOL to Canada the second the war broke.
It's time for the super duper big whopper elimination ceremony, where Austin and Piper will make their big decisions. First, Austin talks about how great Amanda is, plus she's really good at killing those fembots. And she doesn't mind his bad teeth. But he chooses to go with Piper instead, reciting their four year history. Piper then chooses Austin over Tim. I guess Austin won't be needing that Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, after all. Maybe they'll put that up on e-bay later tonight. But Derek has one more final twist. Since they are gathered by their parents and their friends (and Tim), why don't they get married right here right now. There is no other place I'd rather be. I'm going to be sued by Jesus Jones for that one, aren't I?
The lovebirds agree, but are interrupted by Bryce the craziest man on TV since Herb Tarlek. He claims that they can't get married since Austin isn't real. He's an actor. And so is Piper. And so is he. Derek jumps in and says if there are any actors here to simply raise their hands. One by one, everyone raises their hands except Amanda and Tim. You mean this show is a set up? I really need to work on my observation skills. So does Tim.
Now, I'm not going to write about the rest of the show, because I want those of you who aren't watching to see it when and if it is re-aired. If you've ever watched such horrible shows as For Love or Money or better fare like The Bachelor, then you must watch this show. It is by far and away the best reality show on TV. And the funniest thing I have ever seen. For those of you are watching the show, you know what I'm talking about.
Newcastle out!
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
