Last Comic Standing 2: Episode 5
96 To 4 Is Humiliating
Recap By C.C. McCandless
June 23, 2004
The auditions are over. The cries of "rigged" and "I call bullshit" are…well, they're still resounding across the nation, but the bottom line is that the Last Comic Standing short bus returned this week to deliver the ten finalists to their palatial Hollywood Hills mansion, a gaudy dwelling that looks like a cross between a Gothic amusement park palace and a 70's porn movie location. "Every queen needs a castle," declared Ant as he approached it. You know, I'm not sure, but I think he might be gay. An ominous sign above the doorway read "abandon all hope ye who enter here." Let's hope this doesn't apply to the show's viewers.
Host Jay Mohr was present to welcome the comics. Since this is a reality show, he also had to tell them all to "expect some twists and turns along the way." No, really?
He continued with more cryptic yet important information, letting them all know that during their challenges "there's always something on the line." It would seem that not everyone heard this part.
Their first stop was at the glorious and glamorous Lucy's Laundry Mart. Here, the comics had to perform brief sets for thoroughly disinterested laundromat patrons. Some people made an effort, including Todd Glass and Alonzo Bodden. Ant told, I swear to god, the same exact jokes that he's told from day one, including the one about guessing his San Francisco accent. Wait a minute…is he gay? Tammy was barely able to speak due to some mysterious ailment. "This is death," said Jay London in the single smartest and most observant statement he is liable to make during the entire show. Kudos to Corey Holcomb, who actually came up with some new material on the fly tailored to his washer-and-dryer audience. After each of the ten was given a shot to wow the seemingly bored crowd, Mohr revealed that there was a plant-HBO talent scout Debbie Drimmer. She was there to pick the best performer to send to the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, one of the most prominent comedy gigs in America. Several of the comics turned white at hearing this news, with looks on their faces clear as a bell, practically screaming "wait, this was actually important?" Indeed it was, and Corey was the clear-cut winner. He was told to take someone with him and he chose Kathleen Madigan, apparently an old friend from his days coming up through the stand-up ranks.
The other eight comedians headed back to the house to begin the requisite bickering, backstabbing, and alliance-forming. Bonnie and Tammy were at each other's throats immediately. Bonnie rightly claimed that Tammy "choked" at the laundry gig, while Tammy let loose with a string of profanities. She discussed her own "Sicilian fever," before calling Bonnie a "stupid, stupid whore." Then Tammy went off on a monologue rant about taking someone out with Mafia strategy. I'm not sure, but I think Tammy might be Italian. Alas, she's not a very good one, as she missed the world's easiest opportunity to actually use a great Godfather quote in context: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Instead, she went off on some tangent about taking out people close to Bonnie. Odd…
Other riveting house highlights included Todd and Alonzo snoring loudly. Later, we saw the beginnings of an alliance formed between Ant, Tammy, Alonzo, and Jay. Oh, we also saw Todd literally singing for attention. Shocker.
Without further ado, the comics were then instructed to make their challenges for that night's competition. There was no immunity whatsoever. Each comic simply entered a video booth and stated who they thought they were funnier than. The person with the most votes then would get to choose to compete against anyone who voted for them. The four alliance members (Ant, Tammy, Alonzo, Jay) all stated that they were funnier than Bonnie, as did Kathleen and John Heffron. No other comic received more than one vote.
In a staggering display of ignorance, Bonnie did not choose to compete against what she felt was her weakest opponent. "I know I can beat Tammy," she stated outright, then bypassed her to select John, although she was seemingly still in shock that he had voted for her. Later, at the theater, Bonnie still seemed completely in the dark about everything. She admitted that, finally, she was learning something about playing the game but that "I never thought it was deceit." Memo to Bonnie McFarlane: there's a new genre of programming out there called reality television. It's pretty popular. Maybe you should check some out and learn a bit about strategy, since you're now a contestant on a competitive show.
Wait, too late: you were on a show. John obliterated Bonnie in their stand-up showdown by a jaw-dropping 94%-6% margin in the audience poll. That is not a misprint. 94-6. Wow. With that, Bonnie grabbed her suitcase and left the show. And America is left to scratch its collective head and wonder how long Ant can actually hang around. Thanks to Bonnie it will be at least another week.
C.C. McCandless is an independent filmmaker and freelance writer. He has a Bachelor’s degree in broadcasting from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication at Arizona State University.
You can contact C.C. here: ccmcc33@msn.com
