For Love Or Money 4: Episode 1
15 Guys, 2 Gals & A Pizza Place
Recap By Randall The Vandal
July 13, 2004
It sure has been a long time since the finale of last season's episode of For Love Or Money, hasn't it? Did you miss me? I didn't think so. Sure, it's been a long and great summer vacation between seasons, but it's time to get back to what I do best-boring you people into seizures. By the way, it sure was nice of some of you to sign that circulating petition and e-mail it to the editor of this web site begging him to hire a new recap writer to cover the premiere of For Love Or Money 4. A special note to the person who started that petition in the first place. That was not funny, Mom.
For Love Or Money 4 is on, and my comedy isn't. What else is new? Well for one thing, this time around there will be 15 hunky guys to compete for true love. Or money. Or a modeling audition. It's hard to tell. Even harder to tell is who is who. I'm pretty sure there was someone named Caleb.
And there's a Josh and a Chad in their somewhere. There's the token black guy. I think the rest are just named Dave. Not a Randall in the bunch, however. Lucky bastards.
Their luck runs out when they arrive and meet Jordan Murphy. I so didn't miss him! Most of the guys here actually recognize him, mostly as the guy who parks their cars at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. It's been a hard summer for Jordan, too. The only problem with this premise is men aren't necessarily torn between love or money, Maybe Sex Or Sports would be a better title. But money rarely plays a part in a man's thought process. Except for that guy who bagged Martha Raye.
Soon, Jordan has gotten them inside the event room and is explaining the same rules that he explained this time last month. He's really good at reciting his lines verbatim, complete with dramatic pauses. He hasn't won all of those Emmy's for Will & Grace for nothing.
Afterwards, each man is allowed to go into the portrait room and see how much their check is worth. Steven turns his back on this part, having no interest in seeing the check. I tried that the other night at Applebee's. Washing all of those dishes was a neat way to cap off that evening. The rest of the guys see their checks, then afterwards are lounging around in their tank tops arguing about who is lying the most. Oh, goody. A semi-nude male catfight. Maybe I can still catch a Meredith Baxter Birney movie on Lifetime. At least it would have more testosterone than this show.
While the men argue about who will understand that last joke, Rachel has arrived in her black limo, greeted by Jordan. He escorts her to the familiar patio, where we see a flashback of her and Preston. After meeting the interchangeable 7 Dave's, I think I miss ol' Pres. Meanwhile, just outside the door, Andrea pulls up in her limo, and is about to come face-to-face with her biggest nightmare: me writing seven more agonizing recaps of this show. Oh, and Rachel's already on the patio. Big screen TV from Best Buy. $1,999. Easy chair positioned perfectly in front of big screen TV. $450. Microwaveable popcorn with butter on top. $7.99. Watching Rachel's facial expressions when she first sees Andrea. Priceless.
After a conversation that's almost as awkward as a Judy Tenuta stand-up routine, Jordan magically appears to explain that tonight they both will meet 15 eligible bachelors. Just what I need, a show with fifteen people who can kick my ass. Sixteen if you count Andrea. But there's a twist. Wait, there should be an exclamation point there. But there's a twist! One of the ladies will be eliminated tomorrow night, not any of the guys. I guess I better start to learn their names. Or I could take my chances and refer to every guy as Dave with the greasy hair. I'd have an 11 out of 15 shot of being right.
One by one, each man comes down and is taken aback when he sees two women instead of one. A couple of things become apparent. Andrea is ridiculously hot, Rachel is from Chicago, Andrea is ridiculously hot, and Jai the token black guy has as much chance of winning this show as this recap has of making you laugh. Poor Jai. Poorer you.
The next day, Andrea and Rachel make lunch for the 15 guys not named Randall. This suits Andrea just fine, since she is an event planner. I happen to know a kick-ass event planner in real-life, and she also makes lunches exclusively for guys not named Randall. Talk about reality TV! For her table, Andrea has concocted a feast of shrimp, asparagus with basil, a Greek salad and a bottle of wine. Rachel made Cheez-Whiz with some soda pop. One by one, the men leave Rachel for Andrea. I haven't seen this kind of group exodus since opening night of Howard The Duck.
