For Love Or Money 4: Episode 2
All Dressed Up And No Where To Go
Recap By Randall The Vandal
July 20, 2004
According to last week's Neilsen Ratings, the audience for For Love Or Money 4 has dwindled significantly from that of For Love or Money 3. I had that sinking suspicion, since I have only received half as many insulting, hateful and derogatory e-mails from you guys as I normally do. Apparently, NBC execs are learning now what we've known all along: Nobody can carry a show like Preston Mercer. Like an actual entertaining recap, he, too, is nowhere to be found.
Tonight, For Love Or Money aired their second episode of season four. Or the seventh episode of season three. Or the twentieth episode of season one. It's hard to keep up. So I will be recapping it for you today. I would have recapped it for you yesterday, but it wasn't on then. Try to stay focused.
Having vanquished the eternally tanned Andrea, pale Rachel has eight suitable bachelors to choose from: Ross the archeologist, Barry the dentist, Paolo the foreign guy, Joey the aspiring actor, Tag the office assistant and...oh rats I taped the wrong show again, didn't I? Actually the eight remaining men are Caleb, Rudy, Alex, Mike, Josh, Morgan, Chris and of course David S. The S stands for 'stupid', which also describes all my tiresome Friends-related jokes about Rachel. I promise, no more.
Josh and Mike are sitting around in the house when they each tell the other their check amounts, Mike for $250,000, Josh for half a million. Soon after, Jordan the Boredom invites all eight men into the event room for a special auction. Using the amounts of their checks, the men will be bidding on a date with Rachel. And not just an ordinary date. A limo ride to the Biltmore Hotel for a candlelight dinner while being serenaded by a string quartet. I hope it's the Dave Brubeck Quartet. They totally owned the 60s! Until they sold them back at a reduced price. The bidding begins at $25,000 and ends when Josh bids $275,000 for the date, knowing full well that Mike only had $250,000. Nothing like using insider information to your advantage. Next thing we know, he will be hosting his own domestic diva TV show. And that's a good thing. He's like the female Rachel. These two should get along famously. It will be the only one-on-one date before the next elimination, so it's important. Or as important as it can be on a totally staged reality show.
The first group date soon occurs, with Chris, Alex and Mike all competing to see who can use an entire bottle of gel on their hair the fastest. I haven't seen this much Brylcreeme since the traveling road show of Grease The Musical. I got chills, they're multiplyin'! The foursome arrives at a deserted beach somewhere on an unused back lot at the NBC Burbank Studios, where Rachel dominates the guys at volleyball. Afterwards, Alex takes Rachel by the hand and spends some time alone with her. Not to be outdone, Mike convinces Rachel to eat their lunch together in the tower. Shouldn't there be a lifeguard up there? I guess he's having his lunch at the NBC commissary. Mike questions Rachel about her motives. Chris questions why he doesn't get any alone time with Rachel. I question the Shaq-to-Miami deal. What in the world was Mitch Kupchak thinking?
After the limo ride home, we are treated to more male catfighting. The cameraman smartly uses a green filter for this scene. The last time I saw a green filter used so well was for that Paris Hilton vid...I mean I've never seen a green filter used. It's completely new to me... I never watched that video. Yeah. That's the ticket.
Thankfully, the second group date begins, with Caleb, Rudy, Morgan and David S. escorting Rachel to a small-time casino inside the House Of Blues. A casino. Now that would be a great setting for a reality show. Or not. There doesn't seem to be anyone else in this place, either. Which means they have their choice of which games to play. After some uncomfortable flirting that makes the love scenes in Far and Away seem intense, Rachel spends a quick moment with each of her four suitors. Rudy is the supposed comic relief of the group, but he isn't funny. Who let Ant on this show anyway? I don't want to say Caleb is shy, but when Rachel looks at him, he just started giggling uncontrollably. Morgan is next, he with the squarest lantern jaw since Stony Curtis on The Flintstones. Rachel is in love with him. Which is kind of sick since he was a cartoon character. David S. doesn't get any alone time, but at the end, he wins the last hand at the blackjack table to win a limo ride back home alone with Rachel. Personally, I was hoping Sammy Farha would win, but even he can't win them all. In celebration, David S. picks her up and carries her downstairs. Later, the limo's oil light comes on, but luckily, David just drips some of his Vo5 from his scalp and saves the day.
