For Love Or Money 4: Episode 3
I Know I'd Go From Rags To Riches
Recap By Randall The Vandal
July 27, 2004
There are some things in life that cannot be averted. Death. Taxes. Lance winning in France. My inability to come up with a good opening paragraph. Of course, the middle isn't so great, either. My endings are always popular, though. For those of you who thought nothing could be worse than watching Rachel for an hour a week, wait until you read this recap.
Jordan arrives at the mansion, wearing a jumpsuit from the The Six Million Dollar Man clothing line. Oscar Goldman isn't going to be happy that he's run away again. But Dr. Rudy Wells isn't complaining. Our bionic host meets the five remaining bachelors, which is also the number of people still watching this show. Jordan explains to them that today they have a chance to win the only individual date with Rachel before the next elimination ceremony.
All they have to do is paint Rachel's portrait and have her choose it as the best. In the event room, they encounter their lady in red. It's like a Chris de Burgh song come to life. Next week, look for a Venga Boys reference. They like to party. They like, they like to party. Caleb complains that he isn't much of an artist, which is okay, because Rachel isn't much of a model. And Jordan isn't much of a host. And I'm not much of a recap writer. Only a couple of the paintings are actually of Rachel, since most of the guys went for more symbolism than a Fellini movie. The flower growing out of concrete was nice. The picture of the midget with a question mark on his shirt went completely over my head.
The 30 minute art class is over, and Rachel takes Mike and Caleb to a large farm, complete with weeping willows. And Crying Buffys. And Sobbing Zanders. The three make their way to an archery target, which no authentic farm would be without. I know bullseye practice was always my favorite part of the Ma & Pa Kettle movies. Marjorie Main was the bomb! Caleb is first, and complains that he isn't much of an archerer. Or archist. Or archerian. Luckily, his stand in, Geena Davis, comes by and hits the outside of the target for him. Mike, who has been practicing archery since he was eleven, throws the event rather than have to spend one-on-one time with Rachel, and to prove it, hits the bullseye after Rachel and Caleb walk away. Shouldn't there have been at least one period in that last sentence? Caleb gets to have lunch with Rachel across the lake, but he isn't much of a rower, either. Caleb isn't really good at anything, is he? He might want to think of going into the reality TV recap business. In fact, I think I'm more interested in Caleb than I am in Rachel right now. And despite what my last girlfriend may have posted on her website, I am not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
After rowing them across the lake, Rachel is clearly developing feelings for Caleb. She's also developing blisters from the oars. Rachel is swooning over Caleb. Get in line, sister. I saw him first! After their lunch date, Rachel returns to Mike, leaving Caleb on the other side of the lake. Hopefully, Summer Sanders will come by and swim him across. Rachel then spends some time with Oliver Queen himself, who gets some alone time anyway. There was a lot of kissing in this scene, which should serve Oliver well when he returns to the Hall of Justice.
Rachel and the boys are in the limo on their way home when she makes a faux-pas. A french term in one of my recaps. I'm going international! She mistakenly refers to Morgan as Jordan, causing Mike and Caleb to suddenly wonder if she is playing the game, as well. They also wonder if I'm going to make fun of that mistake for the rest of this column. Knowing how truly unoriginal a writer I am, that is a distinct possibility.
Group date number two begins, as Rachel meets with Alex, David and Jordan. I mean Morgan. The three go to a skeet shooting range. Has it gotten so bad that the producers are stealing ideas from Who Wants To Marry My Dad? I thought that was FOX's job? They would have borrowed the Lie Detector Guy, but he's all booked up in Boston this week. Back to this show, the winner who plugs Dustin Diamond wins Rachel's heart. Oh wait, I thought for a moment that they were at a Screech-shooting range. Instead, the first to hit the clay pigeon gets a one-on-one date with Rachel, which is supposed to motivate the men, but who would want to win that grand prize? Chris apparently, who goes off with Rachel. Their date had all the pizzazz of this recap, so I'm thinking Chris is in deep, deep trouble. My prediction is he will be the one eliminated tonight. That's just a hunch. That and the show went off about an hour ago and I already know who got the boot.
