For Love Or Money 4: Episode 4
Who Wants To Dump A Millionaire?
Recap By Randall The Vandal
August 3, 2004
Before we begin, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that this is the next-to-last episode of For Love or Money 4. The bad news is that this is the next-to-last recap that I'll be writing for For Love Or Money. Did I just say 'for For?' At least the break between seasons will give me time to attend some badly needed writing classes at a local community college. I can't think of a writer on this site who needs it worser than me.
This week's episode begins like the others before it, with me yawning uncontrollably. I really should take a nap. To the show, the four remaining men are White Rain-ing their hair to give it that extra-stiff look that the women crave these days. Jordan ambles in and explains to the real four horsemen that today Rachel will be going on four individual dates.
Jase and Scott are cool with that, but Cowboy isn't too excited. Ric Flair has very little to say, except 'Whooo'. And something about space mountain. In her possession, she has a cell phone with each of the men's picture on it. Actually, I think that's called a picture phone, Jordan. Unlike me, he's not much of a techno whiz. But we can't all write recaps on our trusty Commodore 64, now can we? Every three hours, she will pick a man to go out with. She can pick the same man as many times as she wants. She can pick each man once. She can even pick one of the Backstreet Boys if she wants to. They have a lot of free time on their hands. Probably because they are smaller than life.
The four men are in the event room, awaiting her decision. If I'm not mistaken, the producers are playing The Final Countdown by Asia in the background. Hopefully, we'll all be able to buy the For Love Or Money original soundtrack later this month on K-Tel. Rachel has made her first choice, and picks Mike. In the limo ride over, Rachel is asking in-depth questions, like what was it like to win the Stanley Cup with the Dallas Stars, was his skate actually in the crease in Game Six, and how the heck does he get his hair to become so hard and unmovable? Their date will consist of lawn bowling and Rachel comes dressed out in all-white, which makes Mike think that she looks hot. Mike is wrong. Very, very wrong. Instead of money, they will be bowling for kisses, which I just recently rented from Netflix. It was pretty thought-provoking. Unlike this recap, which is sleep-provoking. And I haven't even gotten to the poorly written stuff yet.
Before you can change channels on your remote, their date has ended and the three remaining guys are back in the event room with their plasma screen. They eagerly await her big decision, and are shocked to see her pick Jay Fiedler to be on her NFL fantasy team. Also, David gets to go on the next date. He gets in the limo and is taken to a park where he and Rachel rollerblade and afterwards, there is a picnic lunch awaiting them. Rachel really enjoys David's company, since he is funny and engaging. Also, they are drinking wine at noon, which is always helpful. Apparently Foster Brooks planned this date. That actually sounds kinda fun. Makes me wish I had a steady girlfriend. Or even one that wobbles. Meanwhile, back in the house, Mike is grilled by the two guys about whether he made out with Rachel. Earlier in the show, Mike was bragging about making out with her during her date with Caleb. Did I forget to mention that part? This recap is really out of order. That's the last time I let Jed the Fish substitute for me.
Still hurting from last week when his million dollar check turned into a one dollar check, which was the coolest magic trick I've seen since David Copperfield made his career disappear, Caleb is suspicious of everyone in the game. He talks about trusting no one, except Agent Scully, but does join the other two guys back in the event room awaiting Rachel's choice for date #3. David strongly encourages her to keep him around, but Rachel is in the mood for some Caleb. It's really good with Chardonnay. On their date, Rachel invites Caleb to Malibu to engage in some wine-tasting. Two things become apparent during this date. When he opens up, Caleb is quite charming. And Rachel is a big lush. Seriously, it's three in the afternoon and she's on her third bottle of wine. Maybe she can invite Morgan to a keg party as a nightcap to the evening.
While all of this excitement is going on, the other guys are asking David about his date, and are surprised to discover that not only did they make out, but that she was the aggressor. Back in the limo and their date finished, Caleb refuses to kiss Rachel, upset that she is about to take his roommate out in a matter of minutes. Rachel is upset that she isn't scoring in her lucky limo. I'm upset that no one will get my Jed the Fish joke.
Back to the event room, the same three guys are awaiting her final decision. Morgan is as uncomfortable as Gerald McRaney was on his wedding night, and has the drop sweat to prove it. His worst fear is realized when Mike is picked for a second date in nine hours. Instead of another limo ride to somewhere romantic, Rachel and Mike walk around the mansion and have dinner outside. Rachel expresses dismay that their chemistry isn't what it used to be, back in those glory days of last week. Mike puts the kibosh on that, and tells her up front that he thinks there is something worth chasing here. Soon, they decide to get in the hot tub, but Mike has to go upstairs to retrieve his hot tub attire. No man should ever leave a 40-room mansion without his hot-tub attire. That's a mistake I learned a long time ago.
During the night time, the other guys have been trying to soothe Morgan's feelings of loneliness and despair over not being picked by Rachel by repeating clichés to help guys who are frequently dumped to feel better about themselves. Things like 'buck up', 'there's more fish in the sea', 'get over it Randall, she'll never date you even if you were the last man on Earth'. Just the standard stuff. Mike walks in and is quickly insulted by each of the guys before he runs out to the hot tub, and became so rattled that he accidentally gets dressed up like Eminem. His palms are sweaty. His knees weak, his arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. Luckily, he takes off that disgusting sweater and jumps into the hot tub. It doesn't take long for him and Rachel to get hot and heavy, with steam so thick that I can't even see the intense kissing going on. Thank you, steam.
It's elimination night again, and Rachel arrives to find her final four men dressed in tuxedos awaiting her big decision. She calls down David first, the loveable and funny guy of the group. Girls love guys with senses of humor. Or sense of humors. I really need to get into that writing class. Anyway, unlike some people, he is funny, so he can stay. Caleb is actually getting comfortable around Rachel, so he can stay as well. No date Morgan is next. Rachel explains that she thought that they had a good chemistry together, until she started fooling around with these other guys and realized she was mistaken. She's gonna make a great grandma someday, isn't she? She has no time for Morgan and dismisses him out of hand. Finally, she invites Mike down and tells him how great a time she had with him. So next week, there will be three men, two eliminations and one very poorly written recap coming your way. Especially since the Broncos-Redskins game will be on at the same time.
Maybe Jed won't be too busy and will fill in for me next week, as well.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
