For Love Or Money 4: Episode 5
All Bad Things Must Come To An End
Recap By Randall The Vandal
August 10, 2004
Tonight, after what seems like months and months of endless pain and suffering, come the words that many of us have been waiting to hear: Pre-season football on ABC! Oh, and the finale of For Love Or Money is on, too. That's two great things that will be happening tonight. Can it get any better than no more Rachel? Yes, but no more Randall is not an option.
In case you may have missed this show up until now, congratulations on having an actual personal life. What's that like? It would be hard pressed to compete with the night that the three remaining bachelors, Caleb, Mike and the other guy, are having. The unlucky threesome convenes in the vault room, where Jordan appears to have gotten a cold. Either that or he's working on his Suzanne Pleshette impersonation.
It's quite good, actually. The vault room looks suspiciously like the portrait room from earlier shows, but only a complete loser would notice that. And I'm pretty sure that vase on the table has been moved three inches to the left from last week's episode.
Jordan gives the three another chance to swap their checks with mystery checks, and since two of the three men have checks of one dollar, they jump at the chance. Luckily, chance moved out of the way so he didn't get hurt. Two of the four mystery checks are worth one million dollars, the other two only one dollar. The third musketeer, Mike, has a check worth a quarter of a million, but he too swaps checks. That doesn't make much sense. Equally confounding is why Jake the Snake would throw into triple coverage on the first series of the game. Thank God for picture-in-picture.
So after all three men have made the switch, they are informed that they will be going on 24 hour fantasy dates with their beautiful dream girl. But Keira Knightley is busy, so they have to take Rachel instead. Didn't I use that joke last week? It's been a long 10 weeks for all of us, hasn't it? Before he leaves, Jordan gives us one more twist: Rachel has a twin! And she is a rap star! As Julie Chen explains to us via video monitor, its part of Project Run-DMC. That twist was illin'! Or not. You might want to not read anymore. That's probably going to be the best joke of the night.
It's time for the first of the three dates, and Rachel is shown in the limo prepping for the 24 hour date with that guy whose name I can never remember. The funny one. In the limo, she is trying to make herself beautiful, which unfortunately eats up 23 of the 24 hours of their allotted time. Maybe they could stop by the golden arches and pick up a happy meal. They're not nearly as heavy as they used to be. Instead, they go to the Montage Resort & Spa, a perfect romantic hideaway. I hope they flash his name on the screen so I can stop calling him the other guy. David! It's David S! They go to the beach, where David admits to liking her, then to the hotel room after dinner. David complains afterwards that she's not a real good kisser, and speaks more to choosing the money over her. Rachel speaks to being able to read David like a book, and says that he is falling for her. I speak to my beloved Broncos throughout the first half as if they can actually hear me. Or yell, if Jake throws another pick.
The day is over, but this show has only just begun. That was my favorite song ever by The Carpenters. Bad recaps and Mondays really do get me down. Caleb is date number two, and he wants no part of any physical contact with her. It's like a Randall date, only without the headlocks. Lurch was more emotional on his date with Morticia's sister, Orphelia. Except that time he became a rock star. The two lovebirds arrive at a quaint little cottage in the middle of nowhere and share a nice afternoon lunch, where Caleb grills Rachel on her true motives. Maybe she's playing a game just like he is. Maybe it's Last Chance For Love. That would explain the horrible overacting of the smarmy host. All these different thoughts cause Caleb's head to spin like a scene from Beetle Juice. Jump in the line. Rock your body in time. Caleb also admits that he changes his mind a lot. Although I'm sure he would agree with you how totally lame that Harry Belafonte joke was. Okay, I believe you.
Mike is the final date of the three day extravaganza of loose morals and an even looser woman. Mike and Rachel go to a fancy penthouse overlooking the Hollywood Hills. Which is ironic, since I have a Penthouse under my bed and live in Section 8 Hills. They catch a tour bus and begin riding up the streets of tinseltown. They seem to be the only people on the entire bus. It must be the Adam Ant celebrity tour. Okay, that joke was desperate. But not serious. This show is driving me delirious. During a lunch date, Rachel scares off Mike by saying that she would be willing to commute to Denver from LA to spend more time with him. He asks for a sign that she will pick him and asks her to wink once if yes, twice if no. She winks once for yes. Either that or she got pulp in her eye. It was hard to tell.
