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For Love Or Money 3: Episode 1
Recap By Randall The Vandal
June 8, 2004
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After what seems likes years of promos and commercials trumpeting its return, For Love Or Money takes its rightful place on the regal NBC schedule. But with its highly promoted two-hour season premiere comes some questions. Can it live up to its previous two predecessors? Can it equal the charm and subtlety of last weeks The One That Got Away? Can I write a halfway decent recap even though I'm more interested in the Stanley Cup Finals Game 7? Probably not on all three counts, but let's give it a shot anyway, shall we?
After a ten-minute recap by the deepest voice in the NBC pantheon of voice-over artists, we meet the 16 women who will be choosing between love and money. There's Ali, a 24 year-old philanthropist from Santa Monica. I already like her, because I too give most of my money away. Why just this morning I gave a large chunk of it to MBNA. Next up is Andrea, an estate planner. I have no idea what this means, but luckily Andrea is so ridiculously hot and out of my league that I need not worry about it. Next up is a Pilates instructor from Florida named Beth. Beth is equally gorgeous, but in a muscular way. In case the cars stall on the way to the show, she can just carry everybody into the house.
More of the women introduce themselves: Heather, a 33 year-old from Pennsylvania, seems a bit old to be on this show. Her age is especially noticeable since she is the only one drinking Ensure on the trip. Jamie is a gorgeous 24 year-old assistant buyer, also from Pennsylvania. I used to be a professional buyer, too. Probably explains why I'm such a philanthropist to MBNA. Johanna is a 28 year-old yoga instructor from Phoenix. Finally, our first brunette. Lauren is from Maine, and is an administrative assistant. Do any of these women have regular jobs? Where's Gladys, the night shift clerk from Zippy Mart? Oh well, maybe next time.
Leslie is an event planner from Florida. Melayne is a communication specialist from Arizona. Too bad her parents weren't spelling specialists when she was born. Melody is an advertising account manager at the ripe old age of 22. At 22 I was still living at home, sleeping until noon and having my mom make me chocolate milk. Meredith is the most interesting looking of all the women, a 27 year-old branch manager from Dallas. Monica is a student from Pueblo. Is there any more sought after school on the west coast than Pueblo U? I don't think so. PJ is an assistant buyer who is a dead ringer for Paris Hilton. But we won't hold that against her. Rachel is a flight attendant from Chicago. And Los Angeles. And back to Chicago. And back to Los Angeles. Rebekah is a 23 year-old bartender from Florida. She was apparently named by Melayne's parents. And finally, there is our only African-American of the group, Tiniesha. Her presence means that now there are three people of color on the NBC schedule. 15 gorgeous women. And Heather. So it's finally time to get this show going.
The sixteen women think they are contestants on a dating reality show. They finally arrive at a house I'll never afford, at least until I get that MBNA card under control. They all get out of the car and meet the man that will change all of our lives, Jordan Murphy, who looks conspicuously like Will Truman after a lot of Happy Meals. Jordan announces, in a deliberate and pause-filled voice that makes William Shatner cringe, that this is actually not a romance reality show, but For Love Or Money. The women all change from poetry-spouting romantics to a mob of village rabble taking the palace by storm, picking out which rooms they like. It's not hard to see which women are in it for money, especially when they start looting the place. Beth even grabs a marble statue and begins loading it on a truck. That thing ways 300lbs, so Jordan asks her to bring it back. He would have brought in back himself, but it weighs 300 lbs. People who super-size their lunch everyday can't be expected to do everything.
Having settled into the palace, the women have a catered dinner and begin discussing the pros and cons of the show. Is it worth deceiving a man for a chance at one million dollars? Is it ethical to lie and hurt another human beings feelings for monetary gain? What's the score of the blasted hockey game? (1-0, Lightning at the end of one).
The women are soon interrupted by Jordan again, however. He must have smelled the food. He tells them that they are indeed in For Love or Money, but there is a new twist that will be explained tomorrow. He also arm wrestles Beth for her last piece of chicken, but instead will be spending the night in the hospital while they reset his dislocated shoulder.
First thing the next morning, Jordan gets all the girls together and explains to them the premise of the game. Each girl will be given a check that could be worth one million dollars. Or it could be worth only $1. They will only find out if they convince the unseen bachelor to fall in love with them, or if they are eliminated. Each girl is asked to pick a check, take it to the vault and place it under their portraits. Tonight, Jordan promises, they will meet the bachelor for the first time.
After a commercial break, in which my remote control mysteriously switched over to ABC on its own, we meet the bachelor for the first time: Preston Mercer. He's a mortgage broker who owns his own firm, all at the ripe old age of 25. At age 25, I was still living at home, sleeping until noon and having my mom make me orange juice. I really matured since I was 22. Preston Mercer is from Denver, home of the Broncos, the greatest football team of all-time. His hobbies include skiing in the winter, golfing in the summer, and foreclosing on people's homes all year round. It's kinda hard to make those pricey payments every month with MBNA breathing down your neck. We meet his mom, who is 100% German, and his dad, who is 50% Japanese. Must have been an interesting D-Day Anniversary in that household.
Preston meets his female host, who explains how all of the women are here for one thing: to get on a show they can make out with and eventually marry a certain unnamed recap writer? Uh, no. They are here for love. One by one, he meets each drop dead gorgeous lady (and Heather) on the outside patio. He gives each girl a friendship ring, symbolic of what might be. PJ goes first, and again I am struck by how much she looks like Paris Hilton. Because there are so many of them, only a few of the women make an impression on him. Meredith because her sense of humor makes him laugh, Jamie because her beauty makes him blush, and Beth, because her strength makes him cringe. Don't squeeze his hand, dear, just hold it. Oh, too late. Maybe Jordan will share some of his painkillers with him.
At breakfast the next morning, all the ladies are surprised to see Preston join them. Those pills must have worked real fast. He invites them to help him make breakfast, and into the kitchen they all go. Except for Ali, who is upstairs listening to Heather complain that she's too old for him. At least I think that's what she's saying. It was hard to understand her when she's not wearing her dentures.
They join the chaotic scene downstairs in the kitchen and the entire group sits down for a nice breakfast. Everyone seems to enjoy themselves, and begin asking Preston all kinds of questions. He seems to be doing better than Skipper Kress, that's for sure. Of course, that's not a high standard that ol' Skip set last week, now was it? However, some bad news is delivered, via Jordan. Tonight six women will be eliminated. Also, NBC has scheduled the two-hour season premiere to go opposite the seventh game of the Stanley Cup Finals. Wouldn't want to be the guy who has to miss that to recap a reality show! Of course, it doesn't seem so bad as long as the cameras keep giving Andrea and Jamie some face time.
At the first elimination ceremony, the girls are lined up on one side of the spiral stairway. Those who are asked to stay will move over to the other stairway. For those eliminated, Preston will get the ring back that he gave them. That's what Ben Affleck thought, too. Of course, he thought Gigli was a good script. He sure is wrong a lot.
Johanna, the yoga instructor, is the first to be eliminated. She takes it well. Beth is eliminated next. She doesn't take it as well. But picking poor Preston over her head until he changes his mind is overreacting. Of course, his horoscope did say a beautiful woman would sweep him off of his feet today. Is Miss Cleo ever wrong? Heather is eliminated next. It took her a full five minutes to walk down the steps. She should have remembered her walking cane. Meredith the class clown is next one gone. She is followed by Lauren and Melody. So he has whittled it down to 10 women. He has just dumped more women in ten minutes than I have dated in 10 years. I really should get out more.
The second hour brings with it even more twists to the game. Now, Jordan is told to go through a door and to get ready for another shocking surprise. It's Jordan Murphy. Preston seems unaware of who is he. Here's a hint: If you see Dax and Ashton Kutcher in the same place, you've been Punk'd. If you see Jamie Kennedy in a fat suit, you've been X'd. If you see Jordan Murphy in a library, you are on For Love or Money. Why else would Jordan Murphy ever go to a library?
Jordan explains that each woman is playing for money as well as love. With the emphasis on the money part, at least in Rachel's case. Preston sees each check beneath their respective portraits, and he is in shock. Those paintings are really good. He hasn't seen art like this since George Perez stopped drawing for the New Teen Titans.
Back at breakfast, the girls come to the table and are greeted by the sight of ten boxes. Jordan is here of course. Like he's going to miss out on a meal. Plus Beth isn't around to stop him. Inside one of the boxes is a silver heart. The woman who picks that box will choose the three women who will not be going out on group dates with Preston. Rebekah the bartender is the unlucky one, and decides to keep three women home: Leslie, because she got to talk to him yesterday; Jamie because she looks so cute; and Rachel, because Ross would be livid if he caught her with another man. Actually, Rebekah doesn't give Rachel a reason, which causes Rachel to throw a hissy fit. Luckily, no one catches it.
Back from a commercial break, and Rachel is still in drama queen mode. She really wants to win an Emmy this year. She's crying in her bedroom, and the first villain of this show is born. Bitch, thy name is Rachel.
On group date number one, PJ, Ali and Tiniesha all meet Preston on the back patio for some exercise on some stationary bikes. That's the big date? Wow, me taking my last girlfriend to Sonic's for a romantic evening doesn't look so bad after all. I probably shouldn't have made her pay the check though. Of these three girls, he seems to hit it off with PJ the most. She is adorable.
Group date number two takes place in a gym, where Preston will play some basketball with Andrea, Rebekah and Monica. At least I think it's Rebekah and Monica. I was mainly paying attention to Andrea and her cut off jersey, which showed off her six pack abs. Preston could wash his clothes on those abs. To find out who gets a little personal time with him, the ladies have a free throw shooting contest. Andrea and Monica miss their attempts, but Rebekah makes hers. Which means she has made more free throws than Shaquille O'Neal has this week.
Back home, the three women who didn't get to go on a date have been asked to write a poem to Preston. He will pick the one he likes best, and the writer will get a one-on-one date with him. He hopes it's Jamie's poem that he picks. So do I. Unfortunately, it's Rachel. So they go to the beach and share some romantic moments. At least Preston thinks it's romantic. Rachel is playing him like a drum. A rich, spoiled, very naive drum. She is a very convincing little actress, this Rachel. She really deserves that Emmy after all.
The other ladies are all gossiping about Rachel (meow!) when she returns from her date with Preston. She lies to them about how well it went, moments after lying to Preston about how much she likes him. Maybe she should get into politics with her ability to deceive. You'd think the other ladies would have caught on to her fibs about the date being so-so, since Preston had both of his arms wrapped around her ankles when she walked in.
It's time for elimination #2. Preston meets the ladies outside this time, wearing a bow tie that would make Les Nesman envious. He calls for Rachel first, and is swooning so much that she has to steady him or else he'll faint. She not only deserves that Emmy, but maybe an Oscar, a Tony, and a Cable Ace Award. He is so keeping Rachel. I feel real bad that she is only playing this game for $1. It breaks my heart. Not as much as the fact as the Flames are down 2-1 with under a minute to play, but it ranks right up there. The next three girls he eliminates are Melayne, Leslie and Tiniesha. Hope NBC renews the Tracy Morgan show or Whoppi is going to be all on her own. The fourth and final elimination is Monica, the college student from Colorado. While the others were happy to be sent home, Monica goes down fighting, and in fact almost makes him change his mind. She's obviously a law student at Pueblo U.
So that's how it ends, with Keith Andruchuk in the penalty box as the Lightning wins the Cup. And Ali, Andrea, Jamie, PJ Hilton, Rachel and Rebekah survive until next week. Jordon promises a new surprise in next week's episode. Maybe Rachel can convince Preston to just give her all of his money. I think he's headed in that direction anyway.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
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