For Love Or Money 3: Episode 2
Recap By Randall The Vandal
June 15, 2004
In case some of you were busy watching some of the other reality shows that premiered last night in a jam-packed Monday evening schedule, the editors of this web site have decided to bring you a highly entertaining recap of the second episode of For Love Or Money, written with incredible wit and charm by its most beloved recap writer. Unfortunately, he was taken violently ill after eating some bad yams, so you will have to read my summary instead. However, those same editors have asked me to warn you that the following text may cause drowsiness and the uncontrollable yearning to yawn excessively. Continue at your own risk.
After a very insightful recap by the Barry White-esque voice over artist, we are reacquainted with the six women who survived the brutal elimination from mortgage broker Preston Mercer last week.
There is sweet Rebekah, the not so sweet Rachel, the drop dead gorgeous Jamie, the equally stunning Andrea, the elegant Paris Hilton look alike named PJ and the regal and above it all Ali. They are toasting their success at surviving this far into the game. Enter Jordan and his enormous man-ring, a piece of jewelry that even the Green Lantern would find gaudy. Jordan tells the six lovelies that Preston in fact knows their secret; that they are playing for money. In fact, he's known since before the first date. The question now is who's playing who? Or, as Aretha Franklin once so beautifully sang, who's zoomin' who?
The ladies are left to chew on that obscure reference for a while, but the next morning it's time to play a game. Jordan is back. Somewhere Craig Ehlo just woke up in a cold sweat. No, not that Jordan. Our cardigan loving host. He welcomes all six girls into a room with six boxes. In it are two coins, one with a heart, representing love, and the other a dollar sign, representing money. He instructs each girl to place the corresponding token on the portrait of the woman they think is in it for love, and the one that is in it for money. In the end, PJ is clearly the womens' choice on the love side, as three of the women decided her heart is in the right place. The five women attempt to place the dollar sign coins on Rachel's portrait, but the weight snaps the frame in two. Even Rachel tries to put a dollar coin on Rachel's portrait.
PJ and Rachel, thanks to their victory in the votes, each win a personal date with Preston. But wait, there's more. Jordan has an oversized coin that he is going to flip. The winner of the coin flip will have the amount of their check revealed. Rachel is interested. In fact, I haven't seen eyes bug out that much since Marty Feldman. PJ Hilton wins again, and discovers that her check is worth $50,000. Jordan even gives her the option of trading her check with any of the five other girls, but she declines.
The group date is next on the agenda, and Preston picks up Rebekah, Jamie, Ali, and Andrea up in his limo. I think it's nice that he's going for that regular guy feel. I say Jeeves, to the Japanese garden, old man. Chop chop! Preston and the girls are entertained by Japanese traditions inside the garden, while I am just entertained by the horrible choice of shirt that Preston is wearing.
After a while, Preston asks Jamie to go off for a walk alone with him. I can't blame him on that one, since Jamie is the best looking woman of all time. Not that I'm into hyperbole or anything. He asks her what is the most important quality in a man, and she says the ability to make her laugh. Which would technically rule me out of ever dating her, unless I decide to e-mail her that picture of me in a speedo back in '99. That usually makes all of my women friends convulse on the floor with laughter.
Next, Preston and Andrea go off together. Andrea is much more forceful than any of the other girls, and within seconds has her hand up and down Preston's thigh in the most erotic way possible. She also orders lunch for the two of them, instructs Preston when and when not to speak, and yells at him to drop down and give her 10 military style pushups when his answers do not please her. She's a take-charge type of gal. Later, she will walk fragile Preston down a dark alley and scare away all the would-be thugs. But right now, Andrea seems unsure whether or not he is just pretending to be into her. I think the uncontrollable saliva and his inability to speak coherently might be a good first clue.
After being seduced in a Japanese garden by a voluptuous blonde, Preston is ready to go home and get that cold shower. The five of them return to the mansion, and Queen Rachel horse collars them into the drawing room for an inquisition. If Marcia Clark had been this determined and well prepared, OJ would be in jail right now. The four witnesses give out very little information, however, and Rachel is left to wonder exactly what Ross did while they were on a break.
Rachel is ready for her solo date with Preston, and they go where all young horny people go to get it on: a retirement home. Nothing quite as romantic as reading poetry to your lady love while trying to ignore that woman in the corner with the goiter. In fact, isn't that woman Heather from last week's show. It is! Hey Heather! Actually, our couple is there to celebrate the 62nd wedding anniversary of Bob and Kay, who give our stars some advice on staying together. Later, Rachel dances with Bob, just in case he is worth a million dollars himself.
Next, PJ Hilton is ready for her date with Preston. The pair head out dressed to the nines to the Pasadena Civic Center, where they are treated to a personal performance of a ballet. The closest I've ever had to an evening like this was dressing up to the fives to go rent A Night At The Opera at my local Pic-A-Flick. We live in different worlds, that Preston and I. It sure was nice of NBC to try to add a little culture to my evening, though I am a bit embarrassed with that 'Lady Oil Wrestlers In Vegas' box cover that is sitting on top of my VCR at the time. I really should hide that before I have guests over. After the ballet ends, Preston and PJ try to start the wave at the conclusion of the dance, but decide polite applause would be just as nice. As a topper, Preston reaches in for a second kiss with PJ, who rejects him by using the world-renowned Frank Constanza Stop Short method. Welcome to my world, Preston. Welcome to my world.
Meanwhile, to the juicy part of the show. At the dinner table during the final date, the ladies are talking about a libido-enhancing pill. I knew that's what women talked about when they were alone! Politics and shopping, my foot! Rachel chimes in and complains how this show has left her deprived of her personal time. Luckily, I have never deprived myself of personal time. Which might explain why I have been wearing prescription glasses since age nine. And why there's a tape of women oil wrestling in my VCR.
Andrea takes umbrage of Rachel's comments, while my 6th grade English teacher takes umbrage of my use of the word umbrage. Get over it, Mrs. Earney! Rachel has returned to drama mode again. Save the drama for your momma. Or your daddy. Or Puff Daddy. She decides she doesn't even want to look at Andrea anymore. But I do. And Jamie, show Jamie again. Thank you.
The six beauties get ready for the final elimination, and meet Preston outside, dressed in evening gowns. Which isn't a very good look for Preston, so he changes into a tux. He thanks the ladies for a great week. I would like to thank him for not making me sit through any more scenes with Jordan since 9:15PM. Way to go, NBC! One by one, he calls the ladies down. Rebekah is too much fun, she can stay. Andrea, your shoulders are broader than his, you can stay. Rachel, you were great in Along Came Polly, you can stay. PJ, you are really tall, and we always need an inside presence to dominate the paint, you can stay.
Then Preston calls down Jamie, the best thing to happen to TV since that girl in the Cherry Pie video. Swinging to the drums! Swinging to guitars! Swinging to the bass in the back of my car! But wait, what is Preston doing? He's dumping Jamie the babe? Obviously, he is blind. Equally obviously, he hasn't deprived himself of too many private moments, either. The best looking woman is sent home, and the regal Ali is retained. Ali shook up the world once again.
Inside, Jamie discovers that her check was worth $250,000. She walks away quietly into the sunset. Lucky sunset.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
