For Love Or Money 3: Episode 3
Recap By Randall The Vandal
June 22, 2004
Welcome to an extra-special recap of everybody's favorite reality show, For Love Or Money. Not only will you walk away well informed as to the goings on from last nights third episode of the show in roughly 1,500 words, but I will be accomplishing the feat while on vacation at my parents' home in picturesque Tennessee. Ah, Tennessee. Where the weather is nice, the people are nicer, and indoor plumbing is a perk that it unfamiliar in these parts. So here I am, in a cramped little room in the back, which is devoid of any air conditioning, writing my recap, which is devoid of any humor, to my faithless readers, who are apparently devoid of any taste in the columns that they read. Get back to work, sister! I'm the one on vacation, not you!
The show starts and we are once again treated to a review of what has transpired up to now, and once again meet the five women whom mortgage broker Preston Mercer has not yet eliminated. They are, in alphabetical order: Andrea, Ali, PJ, Rebekah and Rachel. I never was very good at spelling. Or writing. Luckily, Jordan, the world's worst named host since Wink Martindale, has arrived. I once worked with a guy named Jordan who hated his name so much that he asked to be called Bubba instead. I also knew a guy named Bubba who insisted on being called Mr. President for about eight years. But the less said about those eight years, the better.
After plenty of scenes of five girls in bed together that are sure to help me sleep better tonight, Bubba tells them that today, Preston will be picking four of them to go on dates during the day, beginning at 9am. He may pick the same girl to go on all four dates. He may pick four different women to go all four different dates. He may also try to entice viewers to switch over to The Casino in case things begin to drag during this episode. I was thinking of trying that myself.
Preston arrives in his trusty limo with all five girls eagerly awaiting his arrival on the front steps. He gets out and selects the hottest blonde remaining, Andrea, to go on the first date. She was very sexually aggressive with him on last weeks show, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with his choice. Is that a Valu-Pak of Trojan Condoms in the back seat I see as they drive off? I think I'm beginning to understand his thinking in picking Andrea first. It doesn't take Miss Timid very long to live up to her reputation as the most assertive woman since Harvey Fierstein. However, it is hard to tell what happened next in that limo, since all the windows fogged up.
The pair arrive at their destination, a roller rink, where they share a lot of fun on skates, which is made even more eerie by Andrea's resemblance to all the members of ABBA. The gold digger takes it all! The sucker takes the fall! Although after seeing Preston on skates, it's hard to say which one was the dancing queen. Sorry, I can't come up with a joke about Waterloo. Afterwards, the pair shares a malt and a burger at a 50s-style restaurant inside the rink. Later, Al Delvecchio comes by to reminisce about Rosa Coletti. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Preston returns to the house where the four other women await to be picked for date number two. He surprises no one by picking Ali. Behind the bushes, a group of children from Zaire begin chanting 'Ali Bombaye, Ali Bombaye'. During the limo ride, Preston and Ali have a dialogue almost as awkward as the conversations between me and my mom during the past couple of days. No grand kids on the way yet, mom. I think I have to actually go out on a date first, mom. Preston and Ali go to an empty theatre to see home movies of Ali's life growing up. There's her as a six-year-old riding a bike, her as a drum major in high school, her shocking upset of Sonny Liston, her great trilogy of fights against Frazier and more. While I was entertained, Preston was bored stiff and couldn't wait to get back. I haven't seen that many stifled yawns since You Got Served came out on DVD.
For the third date, Preston picks PJ, the six-foot tall blonde who has had a long week, what with filming her road trip with Nicole Ritchie and all. Their limo ride lasts all of thirty feet, where they walk to a catered tent, filled with foods and treats done with an Arabian theme. While PJ and Preston continue to get closer, Rachel has returned to drama mode back at the house. It must be thirty minutes after the hour if Rachel is going into hysterics. I bet there isn't this kind of overacting on The Casino.
It's time for the fourth and final date of the evening. The ladies were all told to bring their bathing suits in case they were picked for this one. In a move sure to send Rachel even more over the edge, Preston picks Rebekah to shake his rump with. Or to get to know better. Same thing. In the limo, Rebekah and Preston really hit it off, and she clearly is the most fun of the girls remaining. Unless you consider Rachel's crying jags and fits of uncontrollable jealousy as fun. Which I do, by the way. Like I said, no grand kids for a long, long time, mom.
Their date consists of dinner and the two getting into a hot tub. Rebekah's body is nice, not that I was licking the screen at the time or anything. Preston not so much. With that physique, he better have a lot of money. Meanwhile, back at the house, Rachel is driving herself crazy by convincing herself that Rebekah is probably throwing herself at Preston and WOW! We cut to a scene of Rebekah throwing herself at Preston, who is doing a great job of catching her. Rachel's scary how right she is sometimes. Other times, she's just scary.
The girls meet for breakfast the next morning, where Rebekah is asked to divulge all the juicy details of her date last night. The fact that she comes out smoking a cigarette might be a bad sign for the others. She tries to convince the rest of the girls that she didn't even really notice Preston's body when they got into the hot tub together. I, however, got a nice close up view of it in all its pasty-white glory, gals. You ain't missing much. On a related story, at least I know that I will be coming in runner up in the 2004 Albino of the Year Awards next month. Yeay me!
Before the elimination of another girl takes place, Bubba is back with more twists for the girls. He escorts the girls to the event room, and explains that in Double Jeopardy, all the answers are worth double the money, plus there are two daily doubles in this round. Actually, each girl will be given the chance to see the value of their check. The only problem is that they will lose half the value of the check to find out. Only Andrea falls for sweet-talking Bubba's routine, and is in horror when she discovers that her $500,000 check is now worth only $250,000. She's also horrified to discover that this recap is only half over. Maybe if you took a nap now, the second part would just fly by. Or not.
Preston quickly finds out about Andrea asking to see the amount of her check, thanks to the fact that Bubba is a bigger gossip than Liz Smith, and he is upset with her. Rachel meantime is still fuming over not going out on a date and is upset with him. I haven't been out on a date since Hardcastle & McCormick was on the air, so I have no idea what she is complaining about. It's finally elimination night, and all five women show up dressed spectacularly glamorous to meet with Preston at the majestic terrace. Spectacularly. Glamorous. Majestic. Somebody is getting mighty good use out of the thesaurus they got for their last birthday, now aren't they?
Realizing that the rush of people who are anxiously awaiting the premiere of Who Wants To Marry My Dad? have just tripled their shows regular audience, the producers of For Love Or Money have decided to go five minutes long this week during the elimination. Preston invites gorgeous PJ down first. Tall and elegant, she is invited to stay, especially since she is the only person on this show who can palm a basketball. Including Preston. Next Rebekah, she of the killer body, is also asked to stay. A total shock to us all. Rachel is also invited to remain, which thrills Andrea to no end. Ali is the fourth one invited down by Preston. Things aren't going so well, and they decide to split amicably. Being dumped on national TV stings like a bee, too. Andrea is downright giddy that she has survived another week. Not as giddy as if she hadn't traded in her check for half of its actual total, but you can't have everything. Unless you're Ali, who soon discovers that her check was worth one million dollars. But she also saw videotape of Preston's upper body, so she is happier than you'd think.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a busy itinerary planned for tomorrow that includes sleeping until mid-afternoon and trying to explain to my parents what the phrase 'unpaid recap writer' means.
At least the editor of this web site gets what he pays for.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
