For Love Or Money 3: Episode 4
Recap By Randall The Vandal
June 29, 2004
After a relaxing week of eating my mother's cooking and embarrassing my father at our family reunion (a yearly tradition of mine), it is time to return to my routine of working eight hours during the day and writing distinctively bad recaps of reality shows at night. But hey, hard work never killed anybody, right? Except for that 85-year old ditch-digger with the undetected heart murmur. But enough about him. Somewhere in Los Angeles, there's a really bland mortgage broker who needs to make out with lots of money-hungry women for the sake of Bruce Nash's bank account. Prioritize, people!
Not only is our resident dim-wit, Preston, back, but so is his equally awkward host, Jordan. Luckily, the ladies in question have been whittled down to the final four: PJ, Rachel, Rebekah, and Andrea.
Personally, I thought Duke deserved to be in this final four, but Coach K has been hit with a lot of early entries into the NBA Draft recently, so their absence is justified.
Our lovely ladies walk into the event room of their palatial estate, where Jordan awaits them. They had hoped for Engelbert Humperdink, but it's the event room, not the special event room. There, Jordan tells them that none of them have million dollar checks. Neither do I! But I do have a boss that is going to be pretty unhappy with me if I'm late tomorrow, so let's move this recap along, shall we. Jordan gives them the chance they've all been waiting for. To leave this show and apply for The Apprentice 2. That will have to wait. Instead, they can exchange their checks for mystery checks and level the playing field with Preston. Two of the mystery checks are worth one dollar. The other two are worth one million dollars. How Jordan can say that without sticking his pinky in his mouth and doing a Dr. Evil impression is beyond me. Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! That was a pre-emptive Sh! I have a whole bag of Sh! with your name on it. One by one, each girl decides to do just that. For Rebekah and Rachel, this proves to be a smart move, since they both discover that they were playing for only one dollar. For Andrea and PJ, not so much, since they both know their check amounts already. I'll let you guess which two are blondes. (For you blondes out there, it's PJ and Andrea).
Jordan isn't finished with the surprises, and invited Preston and his horrible black cowboy shirt into the event room, where the gang listen to the stylish singing of Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme. Now it's an event room! Afterwards, Jordan tells Preston that they know that he knows that they are playing the game for money. Man, that was confusing. So that's what it's like to be blonde! Just kidding. I adore blondes. Why, I hit on (and get rejected out of hand) by blondes far more than I do by brunettes. Red heads I don't even bother asking. Preston is told that he will be going on two fantasy dates: one at Wrigley Field sitting behind home plate, and the other with a Swedish super model who hasn't mastered the word 'no' yet. Oh wait, that's my two fantasy dates. Preston's fantasy dates are good, too, though.
The first one involves Rachel, Rebekah, bikinis and Cabo San Lucas. Unfortunately, it also involves more scenes of a shirtless Preston. And me without any Pepto-Bismol. In the limo ride to their beach house, Rachel begins grilling Preston on his true motive with the girls. I think that half-used box of Trjoan condoms in the back seat may be used by Rachel as evidence exhibit A. Finally they arrive, and Rebekah, sullen during the car ride, turns into super happy girl in a matter of moments. Looks like somebody took their Paxil off camera. On the beach, Preston takes delight in seeing Rebekah frolic in the sand like a ten year old. A really well-built, extremely tanned and toned ten year old. Meanwhile, Rachel is pouting, and it's nowhere near 9:30 on the east coast. She has isolated herself from the other two. In fact, she is more alone than Greta Garbo. I went way back for that one, folks.
Afterwards, Preston takes each girl for a walk down the beach, beginning with Rebekah. Then with Rachel. Next is Monica, and finally Phoebe. He and Rachel reach an understanding, and she apologizes for her questioning him so harshly in the limo. Around this time, when retrieving a drink for his two ladies, he finds a note that says he must send one of the ladies home asap. I mean ASAP. I think my caps lock might be broken. He reluctantly sends Rebekah home, due mainly to her resemblance to the female magician on last Thursdays NBC show T.H.E.M. Did that show S.U.C.K. or what? At least it was more entertaining than this recap. But so is a root canal, passing a kidney stone, or watching William Katt trying to act. He was so not the Greatest American Hero!
Preston and Rachel enjoy a romantic candlelight dinner while poor Rebekah returns to the 32-room mansion that she has been living in for the past couple of weeks. You can send her monetary donations at the end of the show. After a reunion with PJ and Andrea, Rebekah expresses doubt whether Preston is worth all of the trouble. Andrea expresses doubt over whether Rachel would have handled being sent home so graciously. PJ expresses doubt if her co-star, Nicole Ritchie, will be out of rehab in time for the filming of Simple Life 3. I was wondering about that myself.
PJ and Andrea are on the steps when the limo pulls up, containing Preston and Rachel who are still kissing. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled up in my limo kissing one girl while two hot blondes patiently waited for me so I could take them out on a double date.
Patience is a virtue, and Andrea and PJ are quickly in the limo with Preston, headed for Lake Tahoe. Snow, skiing, a romantic lodge. It doesn't get any better than this. Plus, there is little to no chance of having to endure a sight of Preston shirtless. Preston takes each girl aside, beginning with Andrea, and begins asking questions about the other girls, and their behavior away from them. Andrea is very coy, telling him that one of the girls is not what he thinks she is. She tries to spell it out for him, but he's not sure who he's talking about. I think Preston may have been born blond. He then asks PJ her opinion: Rebekah-she loves her...Rachel-outspoken and unlikable...Andrea-she doesn't like her...my earlier William Katt reference-too obscure, she would have gone with a Vin Diesel joke there.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Rachel and Rebekah are out sunbathing in their bikinis. I was watching half of the screen, at least. Rachel tries to apologize, but Rebekah will have none of it, and pretty much tells Rachel off. At least I think that's what happened. Her chest was heaving a lot, so I just assume she was yelling. Back in the snow, Preston and his two blondes stumble across another note, and it's time for Preston to send another girl home ASAP! Yep, I think I fixed that caps lock problem from earlier tonight. PJ is asked to stay, seeing as she is purer that the snow she's standing in. Andrea goes straight into over-reacting mode. I don't think Rachel is going to be happy with somebody stealing her bit, Andrea. Find your own niche. Say, as future wife to a recap writer, perhaps? I have a feeling you are going to be available in about fifteen minutes or so.
Andrea returns to the house while PJ and Preston enjoy a romantic dinner near a fireplace. He's some smooth operator, huh? Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Or something like that. It's hard to sound hip when you have a lifetime membership to the Tony Orlando & Dawn Fan Club. Andrea is convinced that she will be eliminated. She's also convinced that I'm a total geek with a very limited social life. Man, is she dead-on tonight or what?
It's elimination time, and all four girls are as beautiful as ever. Preston is in his tux, ready to break a lady's heart tonight. He calls Andrea down first, and asks for the ring back. Andrea is itching for a fight, and asks him why. She tells him off right in front of everybody. First, she steals Rachel's stuff, now she's doing Rebekah's, too? Get some original material, sister! Preston is sad but relieved that that's over.
But wait, it's only five until eleven. We've got ten minutes until somebody marries my dad. Which is going to come as quite a shock to my mom. Jordan makes an unscheduled, jaw dropping appearance. Preston must eliminate another girl to leave only two women. I didn't see this coming. Except that DirecTV had listed this revelation on its guide for the past seven days. Way to keep a secret Bruce Nash! Preston calls down the exquisite PJ, and begs her to stay. Next he calls down Rebekah, and stunningly asks for her to return the ring and to leave, meaning Rachel has made it to the final cut. Obviously, the producers of Last Comic Standing 2 have heavily influenced this show as well. I can't explain it otherwise.
Rebekah handles her rejection with class, and is bemused to see that her new check was for the same amount as her old check, one dollar. Andrea, steam still emitting from her ears, is less than amused to discover that her mystery check was for one million dollars. She's even less thrilled to learn that this recap is over. At least one person is sorry to see it end.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
