For Love Or Money 3: Episode 5
If I Only Had A Dollar
Recap By Randall The Vandal
July 6, 2004
It's the Fourth of July Weekend, and nothing says Happy Birthday America more than cookouts, spending time with your family, and sitting down in your favorite easy chair to watch a humorless mortgage broker choose between two women and cold hard cash. Except to read an uninteresting recap from a humorless writer about a show about a mortgage broker choosing between two women and cold hard cash. You clicked on the wrong link, didn't you? I thought so.
The highest paid voice-over artist since Danny Dark fills us in on what has happened since the day everybody's favorite mortgage broker came looking for true love in a mansion in Los Angeles five whole episodes ago. Mark Burnett's reputation as a can't miss reality TV producer has taken a major hit? Yes, and Preston Mercer dumped a whole lot of women despite the fact that he didn't have anything close to an actual personality.
He sounds just like me, except for that dumping a whole lot of women part. Now if he had been dumped by a whole lot of women, we'd practically be twins. One by one, Preston asked for each lady to return the rings, until only two were standing. Tonight he will make one of the toughest choices of his short and pampered life. Which woman does he have the strongest feelings for-PJ, the tall blonde who believes in true love, or Rachel, the average-sized woman who believes that I am the worst writer in the history of the internet? It's a tough call. Luckily, in case you just had to switch over to see the 100 Greatest Moments In Metal over on VH1 (I'm hoping Pat Boone Sings The Metallica Songbook is number one), I watched all 65 minutes of the season finale and will be glad to tell you who won, who lost, and how much those mystery checks are for. For those in a hurry, the answers, in no particular order, are-Rachel, PJ, one dollar, and one million dollars. Six commas in one sentence-a personal best! Or worst.
PJ and Rachel are having breakfast together, congratulating each other on making it this far. Rachel speaks of how Preston mentioned some of the other girls had made some rather mean comments about her, and thanked PJ for never stooping to their level. How could she, she's like six-feet-six. It would totally put her back out. Except that time PJ called her a ho. Or a skank. Or a low-down stinky worthless bitch. Other than that, PJ has never said anything against Rachel. Now Chandler, whoa, he had some choice words for Rachel that are too steamy for this web site. I won't even mention some of the things Ross said. But they were on a break at the time, so they hardly count.
Breakfast is over, and hopefully so is my sad references to the Friends TV show. Probably not, though. Jordan has invited the girls into the event room, where two chairs await. Here, our ill-equipped host re-explains the rules of the game before they leave. Next, Preston meets with Jordan in the portrait room. You know you live in a big house when you assign names like that to the different rooms. Excuse me for a second; I have to go to the dog-pee stained room to retrieve my drink. Okay, I'm back. Jordan, whose Q rating as an interesting TV personality is just below the charisma level of Judd Hirsch, re-re-explains the rules of the game to our bachelor, then leaves him with his thoughts. Luckily, Preston doesn't have any of those, so he gets up and leaves. Like 95% of the audience who paid to see Garfield The Movie.
Preston makes his way to the dining area, where he joins PJ and Rachel for some lunch. The three talk as friends do, before Preston asks PJ to take a walk with him, leaving Rachel to wow us once again with some of her inimitable facial expressions. Luckily, one of the producers retrieves her eyeballs that are rolling on the floor. During the walk with PJ, Preston later explains that some of the things she said during this walk put him off, like she has always dreamed of a fairy-tale ending, of being Cinderella, or the fact that she finds the songs of Rick Astley soothing. Run, Preston. Before it's too late. Because she's never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.
Luckily, Rachel is next for a walk, and Preston and Rachel have a meaningful discussion, which in man-speak translates to a lot of kissing. Preston tries to ask her some hard-hitting questions, but finds it hard to speak with his tongue in her ear. Later, Preston describes their little chat as productive, and Rachel congratulates herself on using her time wisely. I've just spent the past thirty minutes watching clips of the past four episodes with no new revelations, so I can hardly make the same claim. Rachel returns to the bedroom where PJ awaits, and is in a great mood, while our blonde amazon is ready to throw in the proverbial towel. As well as the axiom towel, the proposition towel and the cliche towel. Especially when Rachel enters wearing a #1 foam finger on her hand. Seeing her do the Icky Shuffle we could have done without. PJ has made a faster concession speech than Wesley Clark, and at half past the hour, this race appears to be more lopsided that a Flock Of Seagulls haircut. Unless...
At breakfast the next morning, Rachel and PJ share a quiet couple of minutes, PJ is near tears due to the fact that she fears she will never get to see Preston again. Also that this is the last time I'll be writing a recap about this show. But mainly the Preston thing. One by one, each girl goes out for a walk alone to contemplate the enormity of the final evening, and to recall their recent dates. I'd need to take a double dosage of Ginkgo Biloba Extract to recall my most recent dates. I'm not sure but I think highwater pants were in fashion at the time. And the best actor on TV was Conrad Bain. Actually, thanks to syndication, he still is the best actor on TV. That's what I'm talking about, Willis.
