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The Restaurant 2: Episode 4 Recap
By Randall The Vandal
May 30, 2004
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After a nice two week hiatus that proved that no one watches Crossing Jordan no matter what day of the week it's on, Jeff Zucker has finally regained his senses and decided to put The Restaurant back on the air. Not only did he decide to admit how horrible a mistake it was to pull it off the schedule in the first place, but to ensure even more of a ratings bonanza, he has agreed to place it on the most sought after time slot for the whole week: Saturdays at 8. Of course, the only people who are so pathetic as to not have any plans except to stay home and watch TV on Saturday nights are retired people, ugly people and any actor who appeared in the movie Showgirls. I'll let you guess which category I fall in to.
But it doesn't matter when it's on; the good news is The Restaurant is officially back on the air. Rocco is happy. Jeffrey is happy. I am happy. My faithful and loyal readers, which by now has dwindled down to only members of my immediate family, are happy. In fact, the only people who don't seem to be happy that The Restaurant is back on the air are the NBC accountants. But who cares about them anyway? So let's cue the corniest theme song ever written and get started.
We begin as Rocco arrives for work on his motorcycle at five in the morning, draped in leather from head to toe, as most celebrity chefs generally are. He is working on a new sauce that he finds almost as disgusting as my last recap for his show. I promise this one will be much better. Or worse. Or exactly the same. One of the three.
Al the waiter is showing some of the staff how to properly clean and bus tables, but first he serves his students a cup of coffee to get them awake. Carol, a member of the Chodorow Task Force, is also with him, and is aghast that he is trying to be so friendly with them. She corners him in the stairway and tells him as much. She intimidates him to such a degree that his hand begins to shake so much that his coffee cup begins to rattle. In fact, she was so scary that as I was watching, the same thing happened to me. And I don't even drink coffee.
Laurent, the Frenchest cat since Pepe Le Pew, walks across the street and has a talk with Rocco, and explains to him that he needs to be at the restaurant more often. Like once a month. Rocco appreciates the pep talk, even if he couldn't understand half of what he was being told. Rocco is clearly inspired by Laurent's Burgess Meredith-like speech, especially when he said 'He's a bum, Rocco. You can take him', that Rocco calls Jeffrey and sets up a meeting at the restaurant.
Down in the kitchen, Antonio the visiting chef from Italy is showing everyone how to make a pizza the Italian way. He shapes the dough in the form of a woman's rear end, and then makes a crude comment about it. Tony, Rocco's executive chef, then follows suit and makes some dough in the shape of Jennifer Lopez's rear end. Unfortunately there isn't an oven large enough for that particular piece of dough, so he is forced to throw it away. Oh well.
Shane, Carol and Sarah are seen shopping for chairs for the bar, while Jeffrey, Rocco and Rocco's mother have a nice little chat during the lunch time at the restaurant. Hopefully, Mama has brought a parka with her, because the testosterone is going to fly. Each begins to accuse the other of lying, being disloyal and being an all around bad guy. Antonio arrives with the pizza, but quickly makes an exit once he sees what's going on. All this time, behind Rocco, the new chairs are being brought in by Shane, Carol and Sarah. Everyone carries in one chair at a time, except for British Sarah, who hoists an amazing five at a time. Those Brits sure are strong. Now if only they could devise a way to make brushing their teeth a national tradition. Yeah, baby!
Rocco has yet another staff meeting, and afterwards Sarah has a conversation with him. Rocco childishly explains that the silverware that she wants to get rid of must stay, that Jeffrey shouldn't tell people that he's the sole owner and that these chairs are really, really comfortable. Did she get them at Pier 1 Imports? They have the coolest stuff. Afterwards, Rocco returns to sucking his thumb until his mother tells him to stop.
Rocco decides to hold an impromptu staff meeting of his own, where he apologizes for the way he has been acting, the way Jeffrey has been acting and for his really bad five o'clock shadow stubble. It's more like 1:15am shadow. You weren't meant to have facial hair, just shave it off already. He assures everyone that he is part-owner, despite what Jeffrey may have told them. The employees have heard this old song and dance before. I haven't seen that many disinterested faces since League of Extraordinary Gentlemen came out on DVD.
Later that night, Rocco, Laurent, Sarah and Jeffrey are having yet another meeting about the finances. Upset that Rocco said he hadn't seen any financial statements, Jeffrey has brought a lot of paperwork with him to show Rocco. Upset that Jeffrey can grow hair on his face almost at will, Rocco ignores all of this and slips away to do a live interview. Sarah and Jeffrey and Laurent are left to sort out this confusion on their own.
Meanwhile, the scene shifts back to a place where Rocco is rarely seen. The top of the Neilsen ratings? Actually, I was referring to the kitchen. Sparks are flying down there as well, and not in a good way. The stove seems to be ablaze. Laurent, Shane and Tony rush down and see for themselves. The Stove! The Stove! The Stove Is On Fire! We Don't Need No Water, Let The Mother...well, I'm sure you know the rest, now don't you?
Tony helped put the fire out in a reasonable amount of time by punching a hole in the wall in the stairway. Rocco arrives shortly thereafter to play the part of concerned owner. He's about as convincing as Anne Heche was as a lesbian. Although she certainly had Ellen DeGeneres fooled. After a couple of minutes, Rocco makes his way upstairs and begins making pizzas for everyone due to the fire. I thought you gave your customers free wine when your restaurant catches on fire and free pizza was for when an earthquake hits. Must have gotten those backwards. Rocco is schmoozing more than Jack Nicholson at a Laker game when Jeffrey pulls up in his limo. His Honda Accord must have been in the shop. Jeffrey goes down to inspect the damage himself, and to thank Tony for putting out the fire.
Rocco hears that there is a table of psychiatrists at the restaurant, and goes over to talk to them. NBC won't let the Frasier Crane character die for anything, now will they? Before long, they begin discussing his relationship with Jeffrey. Soon, they encourage Rocco to invite Jeffrey over to the table, and a rather stunning thing develops. No yelling, no false accusations, no wild threats, just a calm lengthy conversation. Has NBC pulled The Restaurant off the air again and replaced it with Providence or Sisters? No, this is still the same show. Though I'm a sucker for Patricia Kalember any day. But this ending was nice, too. A truce seems to have been met. How sweet.
It makes me antsy for the next episode. I doubt that I will be able to wait an entire week for it, though.
Randall the Vandal, is a humor writer who enjoys writing recaps of the reality shows currently dominating the airwaves. Known for stealing other people's ideas and writing styles, Randall the Vandal has spent many years honing his craft in the finest detention centers across the southeast and is recognized as one of the funniest writers emerging today. At least by his mother. His father refuses to comment.
Email Randall here: randallthevandal2004@yahoo.com
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