While the third installment of SL5 begins, audiences across the country wonder if the show's producers have ever considered making an episode titled, "Janice Must Die!"
Well, another dawn breaks out for the members of the Surreal Life so that must mean it's time for Janice to do the one thing that she's really good at, pissing off the other houseguests. Promptly at 6:30am, Janice's very own SWAT team of hair & make-up people comes barging through the house, armed with the necessary tools of their trade (blowtorch, jackhammer, fragmentation grenades, etc.) to perform their daily replication of the uber-villainess.
Omarosa manages to find her way in the bathroom while Janice is undergoing heavy reconstruction and squeezes a can of mousse while Janice is looking the other way. The loud "puffy" sound that the can makes almost causes the startled Janice to fall right out of her chair (later, she admits privately that she thought that Omarosa had actually passed wind instead).
What made it even funnier was that the East German judge only gave Janice a score of 3.5 because she didn't stick the landing properly upon the conclusion of hearing the phantom "quiff".
To show that there's no hard feelings for the misunderstanding that nearly caused Janice to break her neck; she politely gives Omarosa's backside the finger as she walks out of the bathroom (which, btw, Janice now calls her second home).
It's Omarosa's turn to get the latest copy of the Surreal Times magazine and read it to the other houseguests. The cover in bold captioning spells "Take It off" as Omarosa reads to them that they will be performing a burlesque show at a local Hollywood nightclub. Upon hearing this, Bronson Pinchot screams, "No, No, Nooo!!!", but he isn't nearly as loud as we (the viewers) are at the grotesque thought of a middle-aged and overweight Balki stripping down to his underpants. Who could blame us?
Thankfully the show's producers take pity on the human race by informing Bronson that he isn't manly enough to be a male stripper. As a result, it was decided that he would be allowed to emcee the event instead. The next scene shows a teary-eyed Bronson secretly removing a folded sock from the front of his trousers in the privacy of his bedroom.
The houseguests (sans Bronson) are now broken down into two teams that will compete against each other for prizes. First prize is weekend getaway with Janice; second prize is a week-long getaway with Janice. The first team was named America the Bootyful and consisted of Canseco, Janice, and the ever-lovely Caprice (recapper makes slurping noises). The second team, Westward HO's, features Omarosa, Pepa, and Carey. Of course Lucky, the three-legged dog in the house, opted out of the skit because he felt that it wasn't dignified enough for a canine to participate in. So while the rest of the houseguests rehearsed, Lucky went back to his usual routine of pissing in Janice's suitcase.
No wonder Lucky is loved by so many…
Both teams were equipped with various items of clothing to be used in the burlesque show. As Jose goes through the box of clothes earmarked for him to wear, he discovers assorted female undergarments and stockings to try on. Attempting to explore his inner feminine side (Josie Canseco?), he completely immerses himself into the role as a drag queen and what makes matters worse; he actually comes out looking better than Janice (shudder). We also discover that Jose gives new meaning to the term "camel toenails" because of the hideous length of his gnarly toenails when he removes his socks.
Kitten DeVille, a famous burlesque entertainer, shows.....
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