Surreal Life 4
Episode 1: Moving In And Kissing Ass
By AP N Tenn
January 10, 2005
The housemates this time around include:
Adrianne Curry - 1st winner of America's next top model- she is obviously using this show to get more exposure, apparently she does not see the importance of clothes.
Chris Knight - The oldest housemate, he played Peter from the Brady Bunch
Da Brat - Has been rapper, how many hits did she have?
Verne (Mini- Me) - wow is he small, I saw the Austin Powers movies, and I assumed they used special effects to make him appear so diminutive- how old is he anyway?
Marcus - the model, what more can you say, the man is fine.
Jane - from the Go- Gos
Chyna Dolla aka Joanie - former wrestler who apparently still dabbles with the steroids.
Kathy Griffith a major reality TV fan, has been tapped to be the designated driver to the house in the Hollywood Hills. First up is Chyna, she has certainly had her shot of Botox, dressed in a skimpy bikini and a fur coat, and a huge fur hat. Since she is first in the house, she picks the single room. As she prances around the house, she is bursting all out of her bikini. Chris is next to be picked up, apparently since the Brady Bunch, he has not done much, and he gets no residuals from the Brady Bunch- despite the fact that it is shown at least once a day. Chris is unsure of who Chyna is, apparently she missed the wall that shows all of the houseguests.
Da Brat is next to be picked up, she is the 1st female rapper to go platinum. Apparently she has a criminal past- she pistol-whipped a lady at a nightclub. Da Brat arrives at the house and claims that if there are a bunch of washed up artists she is not staying. So instead of being social, she immediately calls her manager. Jane is next to be picked up, she has not aged much, she has a little girl voice, and apparently she works at S & M parties in her spare time, wow imagine that. Chris points out that the room that Chyna has christened as hers, is actually Mini- Me's room, he points out the little closet, the little bed, the little bar, the little chairs, all things that she should have noticed before putting her crap down. She says that the little things are for a girl, and she is a girl. Jane declares that Chyna is scaring her and points out to her that her nipple is showing. Chyna stays in the little room, refusing to listen to reason. My initial guess is that Chris is going to be the steady reasonable person in the house.
Next to be picked up is Adrianne, and she gets to ride with Marcus, maybe a little maneuver on the producers part to get them to hook up? Anyway he has an accent, and speaks 5 languages. Adrianne loves all of the houseguests, except maybe Da Brat, who has no social skills, and speaks to them from a distance. Chyna is already drinking from the mini bar in Mini Me's room, and she is still wearing the fur hat and the sunglasses. Mini Me is next to be picked up, he crawls into the cab. He has no neck! He is 2'8, and he is 35. Yes, he is 35 years old. I was thinking he was more like 20. Anyway he arrives at the house, and when he sees Chyna in his room, he states that he is leaving. Since when does the Surreal Life let the housemates pick their own room? Mini Me gets special treatment because he is 2'8? By the way, he sounds like he has an oxygen tank stuck up his ass. I can tell you right now, he is going to make this must see TV.
Chris tries once again to get Chyna out of the room, reasonably, so they all sit down and Chyna says that Mini Me has to learn to be a big little man. Mini Me is just rolling around the house in this little scooter he has all pissed. Finally he tells Chyna the room is supposed to be his, he seems to be near tears. Chris continues to try to reason with Chyna, it is not working. We don't even get to see how the others are interacting with one another, this little saga takes up too much time. Mini Me declares that he is leaving if Chyna does not move.
Finally Chyna says that she will sleep on the couch, if she can leave her stuff in the room, Mini Me says no deal. She then says she has too much stuff, and somebody volunteers to help, so then they all help, even Mini Me, he puts stuff on his scooter, and Chyna is out of the little room, in the room with Da Brat and Jane, so that leaves Adrianne with Marcus, and Chris hmmmm interesting roommates. I can almost predict that Adrianne WILL hook up with someone in the house. Anyway a truce has been called, and Mini Me takes delight in kissing Chyna's ass. Chris declares it was like a Brady episode, it all worked out in the end.
The newspaper arrives and says dinner is on Adrianne. Of course if you have seen the previews they have been running for the last 6 months, then you know that it is sushi and it is served actually on Adrianne. When the houseguests pull back the curtain, and Chris sees Adrianne, he warns the others, and Mini Me says that he is going first, so he rolls on in. Adrianne is totally nude except for a few leaves covering her most private places. Upon those leaves is sushi. What a way to make an impression on your fellow housemates. Mini Me sure perked up, after all he was on the verge of crying and leaving only moments before. He eagerly begins feeding Adrianne. Mini Me is very impressed saying he was in heaven, apparently he semi- molested Adrianne while getting a piece of the sushi from her breast area, he declares that he has to go back to his room to jerk off, maybe that is why he needed a private room. Marcus and Da Brat are silent during the whole sushi exchange.
After dinner, Adrianne and Jane decide to go skinny-dipping; Chris and Marcus look on, mostly Chris. Chris then goes and gets liquor and tells Mini Me that the girls are getting naked, as he is sure the little guy don't wanna miss a chance to see Adrianne nude yet again on the very first night. Apparently while away from the group, he has been partaking in the stash of liquor in his private room. Mini Me gets there and asks to see what he has missed, so Adrianne flashes her ass at him and Chris, and Mini Me shows his butt too, this is surprising to me, I would assume he would want to stay fully clothed the whole time the cameras are around. I mean if you're a little man, then you must have little parts, if I were him, I would have clothes glued to my body so that I would never get caught naked by the cameras.
Mini Me was getting drunker and drunker, then he just starts pounding on Chris's arm, to which Marcus asks him if he works out, and how often since his arms are so huge. Adrianne notices too how buff Chris is, Chris is only concerned with Mini Me, who has toppled over, Jane is wondering how drunk he is, since he is so little. A moment later Mini Me is snoring, Chris carries him to his private little bed. Mini Me keeps saying he is sorry, as Adrianne shows a lot of concern for him. He then starts moaning, like a nut, very loud moaning, everyone takes a peek in on the little guy. Chris bring him a trash can that is almost bigger than him, as a thank you, I guess he starts rubbing on Chris's nose, Chris was clearly uncomfortable.
Later on in the middle of the night, Da Brat deems Chyna a loud snore, so she leaves the room for the couch. On the way, she spots Mini Me on the scooter, and he is 'buck ass naked'. I can't believe that he would be riding around showing all of his little stuff. I mean come on the man is 2'8. How much can he really be packing? Mini Me scoots into the corner and starts peeing, Da Brat tries to tell him where the bathroom is, but he keeps on peeing, did I mention that he is naked on the scooter. Da Brat goes and gets Chris, Marcus comes along, and we get to see his and Chris's banging bodies, they tell Mini Me that he has peed, and that he is naked, he says this is strange. And this is only the very first night in the house; this show should be an hour each week.
AP N Tenn is a Single Southern Female with a BS in Sociology from Lambuth University
that enjoys, shopping, reading, and of course REALITY TV. AP can be reached at realityfan4ever@yahoo.com.
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