The Ultimate Love Test: Episode 4
Messages From Home and Love Gone Wrong
Recap By Caligirl
June 24, 2004
What's Love Got To Do With It?
Dorothy Parker was brilliant, witty, skeptical. Here's something she wrote that fits the genre of reality/romance shows very well:
"Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania."
What are these couples doing and what do they believe it will achieve? The answer has to be that they're doing it for money rather than find out the truth about their relationships which could be accomplished in a much more private way with better results. Don't let me spoil the illusion that this it the only way they can resolve their issues. Let us proceed with tonight's drama.
Heather and Frank
For a change, Heather is bitching about what she really wants. It's the C-word. Commitment. She's a romantic and wants the whole fairy tale. Well, your name is not Cinderella and Frank is no Prince Charming.
While she has C.R. at her beck and call and willing to do anything she wants, she yearns for that bozo back home who is letting her apartment turn into a dumpster while he feels sorry for himself. Even the cat is no longer hanging out with Frank.
In a morass of self-pity, Frank is telling us that he's hardly eating as he's toasting a tortilla on the oven and throwing on some string cheese. He claims to be "disappearing" both physically and emotionally. He's truly pathetic. In fact, his friends are going to do an intervention to save Frank. They have come up with a grand plan. They think what Frank needs is a "change of venue." Wow, I'm impressed with their vocabulary. They must have heard that on Court TV. In any case, they are planning on motoring down to Mexico and ambushing Heather. Will they be able to find her? Of course. Heather is a hot chick according to one of Frank's buddies, and that's a surefire way to find her. Knuckleheads.
They all take off in this huge R.V. and it just seems to be a perfect solution as far as everybody is concerned. Frank even says he'll go as far as it takes to rescue his lady love from the evil clutches of the man with two initials. Let us wait and see…
The friends assure Frank that everything will turn out beautifully, but they warn him not to rush and marry the girl. Would you believe that a few miles down the Freeway, Frank has a change of heart and makes his friends turn around and take him home? Yes, he does. His excuse is that it would take them two days to get there and then he's not even sure if he'd find Heather. This guy is in more denial than Bill Clinton when he stated that he did not have sexual relations "with that woman."
Meanwhile, here comes Danielle, Heather's best friend, to deliver the lame "Tell her I love her and I'm not mad at her" message, all the while thinking that the message shows how passive and indecisive Frank really is. He likes to play it safe. Why couldn't he say that he wants to reach out to her and save her? Heather says it took Frank a year to say "I love you" and he might have been saying it to the cat. She tells Heather how Frank has seen the pictures of her and C.R. Unfortunately, this makes Heather miss Frank a little but she's afraid that he'll never be ready to step up to the plate and commit. She wants someone who wants her. Like C.R. for example. How many more rounds of this can we take? I don't know about you, dear readers, but I believe that they've got to develop some more creative dialogue for the voiceovers.
At the Marquis Los Cabos, things are pretty sweet with C.R. As they're horseback riding she confesses that she's beginning to develop feelings for him and the date is freeing and romantic. It would even be more freeing if they could have stripped naked as they're bathing under that delicious looking waterfall. Hey, that's what the girl said! Later on, they're cuddling in the hot tub and they feel so comfortable with each other. That's when I notice something remarkable. C.R. looks just like Andy Garcia! C.R. admits that he still loves Heather and he knows that she's happier with him.
Amber and Roy
Diego is pretty much occupying the same shoes as Frank which must be quite uncomfortable. He's sitting at home and whining, while Dr. Roy is romancing Ms Amber. The magic is working, because she feels herself growing closer to Roy. Diego says that he "jumped into this test without knowing what it is." Now he looks like a jerk that let his girlfriend be with another guy for $100,000. Ah ha! So he did know something. There would be a financial reward. This guy is not as dumb as he looks, or is he?
Meanwhile, Amber's friend Lauren is making her way to Cabo in order to deliver the meaningful message. At the same time, she doesn't feel that Diego is right for her friend. She has been there while the couple was having problems and she can remember Amber's frequent tears after many fights. She does reiterate that Diego misses Amber and doesn't care about the money. Lauren gets to meet Roy and suddenly reverts to grilling him about his intentions toward her friend. He is very reassuring and looks pretty hot, so he gets a good report card. Lauren says that he seems really genuine and has a lot to offer.
Amber still feels pretty torn about Diego but Lauren advises her to seize this opportunity because it's a good thing. Explore it to the fullest, she tells her friend. This is a mighty convincing argument.
Diego is still watching "Amber and that Chump." Wasn't that a film with Matt LeBlanc? He just cannot stop looking. His ever-present Dad starts talking to him about his son's relationship with Amber. It appears as if Amber is growing and Diego is not. Even though he still loves her, perhaps it's time for Diego to move on. Good one, bro.
Without a care in the world, Roy and Amber go on a gorgeous sunset walk where they can see the arches in the Sea of Cortez and the mountains beyond. Roy wants to tell Amber to step into the adventure with him but first she must be unafraid to leave Diego. She feels that they've created a bond and he's opened her eyes to the realization that she needs to make a change. How long have they been there now? Three or four days? Relationships sure move along rapidly on these shows.
Jayre and the Baywatch Babes
Our boy is having a grand time while thinking that Carolyn cannot keep tabs on him way down here in Caboland. Suddenly, he gets a visit from Ronald which jolts him back to reality, sort of. Ronald is convinced that Jayre is in some sort of mid-life crisis and he's got to get certain things out of his system. This must be premature mid-life crisis since he's only 26.
Jayre proudly introduces his friend to the three girls and Ronald is happy for him and doesn't blame Jayre in the least. At that very moment, Jayre has a prick of conscience while remembering Carolyn as the 4th woman - the one he left behind. That soon vanishes as they all go out on a boat and party hearty.
Ronald delivers Carolyn's entire message including hitting Jayre in the head and in some mysterious way it re-kindles that loving feeling that Jayre has for Carolyn. What is the message that Ronald should take back home? Jayre says to tell her that "I'm having a fantastic time." That's the message? Well, yes, but tell her "it would be even more fantastic if she were here." Ronald has the realization that Jayre is not ultra-sensitive to Carolyn's feelings and that Jayre is not done exploring other possibilities.
Carolyn is on telephone with her friend explaining her theory of how flirting leads to sex. It's the gateway drug, so to speak. Therefore, it's over between her and Jayre.
When Ronald shows back up at Carolyn's, her first question is, "Did you hit him for me?" Yes, he did. "Where?" She's relentless. Did he see Jayre do Jello shots off that girl's belly, and did Ronald see Jayre's legs intertwined with those other two, and did he see him in the hot tub with that girl in her underwear? Well, no, he wasn't around for those spectacular events.
Carolyn is totally flipping her cork. She can't sleep, she can't eat. She just had her first meal in 2 days, but she can't get those pictures and videos out of her head. She's disgusted that he has to discuss his sex life with other people.
The last scene shows Carolyn saying at least 42 times that she doesn't want to see Jayre anymore. Then she lays face down on the floor. I almost pity her. Almost.
Brandon and Kenesha
Kenesha is being drained by her relationship with Brandon while he keeps on mumbling his mantra of: Nothing happened, I did nothing wrong, I broke no agreements with Kenesha nor boundaries with Brooke. Have it your way just for a little bit longer, Brandon.
Here comes Kenesha and she's headed for Brooke's room. At first she is reluctant to meet a woman who would try to lay hands on her man, but Brooke makes such a convincing case about the absolute pig that Brandon truly is, that Kenesha becomes convinced of her sincerity. Brooke says she's been in the same boat and after Brandon repeatedly made moves on her on the very first day here, she tells Kenesha that he's definitely not ready for commitment. What she really said about him earlier was that he's a "piece of crap" which is a much more accurate assessment.
Brooke now feels entitled to ask Kenesha what she will do armed with this information? Kenesha wisely answers that she will talk with Brandon first and give it some thought.
There is a knock at Brandon's door and lo and behold! It's Kenesha. She's not looking too receptive and definitely not in a mood to be hugged as she steps inside and asks him how his stay has been so far? He immediately suspects something and asks if she's spoken with Brooke. Yes, she has, and Brooke seems like a really nice girl. Brandon strongly disagrees.
Brandon is trying to defend himself by saying that the only thing he is guilty of is flirtation. He doesn't even like Brooke's personality. Kenesha rightfully concludes that he's done all the things that had worried her. "Impulse" is his middle name. He says it's all just BS and he hasn't done anything that she hasn't done. This guy is dumber than the law allows. She's got the evidence, past and present and she's got no tears left to shed. Kenesha decides to leave. Our boy Brandon is actually "dumfounded and amazed" that she's throwing in the towel. However, Kenesha didn't fall for his excuses and wasn't in the least bit tempted into believing his crap.
This little drama ends right then and there as the couple breaks up and forfeits the possibility of winning $100,000. We last see Brandon bellowing her name into the emptiness that has now become his immediate future.
Special Delivery
Messengers deliver envelopes to each door. First one is for Frank. He opens it and is ordered to pack his bags because he will be going to see Heather. A car will pick him up in the morning. Guess what? This makes him nervous. He's not buying it.
Diego and Carolyn get the same messages and they will also be reunited with their so-called loved ones. Or will they?
Actually, they will be greeted by their adversaries. The ones that have been trying to steal their sweethearts away. This show might get to be fun at some point soon.
Last Thoughts By Ronald
As the credits roll, we hear Ronald declare Patrick Ewing to be the greatest center of all time. Now there's a happy ending!
CaliGirl loves the Ocean, granola and winemaking. When not busy with that, writing is her biggest thrill, well almost. She can be reached at california_girl100@yahoo.com
