Survivor: The Moron™, The Douche™, Call me Cochrane™, And Baby Dick™ Snarkfest by Senior RTVC Staff Writer Stimpy September 15, 2011
New and improved?
Greetings fans of Survivor South Pacific!
The premiere episode is in the books, and I, Stimpy, your humble (ha!) scribe am here to Snark away on the goings-on.
First off, for you returning readers; How the hell are ya? Hope everyone enjoyed their summers.
For the new readers; Where the hell have you been?
The returning readers know that this is the place to be.
Before we delve into things, one quick aside: If there’s any Oklahoma Sooner fans out there, please don’t be offended, but there is no way in hell your team is gonna win it all next January. Even though they’re ranked number one, they ain’t all that.
Okay, shall we dive right in here?
W’okay fine. Let’s.
Your Emmy Award Winner for Best Reality Show Host™ - damn, I’m ass-kissing only a few paragraphs in, I must really want Canadians on this show - Jeff Probst, clues us in that a bunch of newbies are about to partake in the adventure of a lifetime.
Just not as much of an adventure as everyone else who’s played this game.
Why?
Because there’s two of Survivors most memorable ‘characters’ returning: Ozzy the Challenge Beast but Complete Fucking Moron™ - that’s gonna be a bitch to type all season if he sticks around - and good ol’ Coach Benjamin Wade, aka Douche™.
Douche™ tells us that he’s competed, but hasn’t succeeded in this game.
Douche™? Don’t be offended, sir. I told Rob the same thing last year: You don’t have to tell us the blatantly obvious. The merely obvious will do.
However, Douche™ slammed me over the head with his honorary ‘Dragonslayer Club’ and shocked the shit outta me.
He told us that he wanted to be more self-aware, and tone down his shit and rhetoric that showed up in spades in past seasons.
Trust me when I say Stimpy speaks the truth here folks: I was impressed by that comment.
However, it remained to be seen whether Douche™ would actually do that.
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